ESAI.fam

back in action

2012-02-03T13:07:00.002+08:00

SHAHILAH

It's been so long since I've updated blog. Reason being is bcos I've shifted house. Alright so now back to my hometown at Woodlands. So now if I wanna go out to work, have to wake up early. I mean earlier than usual cause it's further than Yishun. Just hate it ykno.

Okay yesterday marks th one year of arwah ibu besar leave from this world. Time really flies very fast. Nd in another two more days marks me &bf fourteenth months together. There have been to many ups nd downs in our relationship but nevertheless we managed to go through this far. Despite th heartache, th heartbreaks, we continued to stay on.

As for work wise, well, there's nothing much for me to say. As per usual, tiring. Which work is not tiring right? Hais.

I don't know about my future plans. Seems like I really got to put a lot of hardwork nd plan my future well. Cause I can't be staying here all th way nd not improving myself in any ways right? I wanna continue my studies back, but I don't know how to. Whats more is that if I school, means no more shopping for me already. Hais siann ahh. Marry rich guy ah ah! haha.

Okay, wanna bathe now nd meet lovely bf. Been missing him so much. Never fails to make me angry nd smile at the same time. Bodoh nyer budak kecik. Hahax.

update

2011-12-30T14:00:00.004+08:00

SHAHILAH

Alhamdulillah it's going to mark th end of th year 2011. I just hope that next year will be a better year than this year. There's too many things nd too many incidents this year. Well, personally, I don't really like to brag about stuffs nd such but then, ahhh nehmind. I might as well just rant it out. Okay, my birthday was a memorable one. Eventhough sadly I don't go to th club on my b'dae, but nehmind. As long as bf is right there beside me to celebrate my big day with me. Can't believe like finally I've reached my big one-eight. You know, like woahh.

Okay, up next, me nd family will be shifting hse in another few more days nd dad can't seem to understand that I have to work this Monday cause there's shifting to do. I don't know la, don't feel like staying at aunt's house at Sembawang for like one to two weeks. Like, I'm not used to it nd whatsmore living in a 4 room flat with like 7 plus 4 people? That makes 11 people. Haiyoh. Really la, dunt think I wanna put up at aunt's plc. I dunt kno where to go, but ahh, wherever that's safe for me.

Work has been pretty much tiring since it's th sales period nd so many overtime to do. At times I don't hv enough sleep but that didn't stop me from going to work. Alright, seriously new year is coming. As for countdown I dont have any plans just yet. I dont wanna dissapoint my friends if I say that I'll go out with them or something on New Year's eve. Won't be going out with bf cause it's countdown nd for sure there'll be fights nd all, so he better stay home. Safer. So hopefully I will get to go out. Bahaha. Mak bapak tak takut. Cousin cakap I takut laki. Pfft!

Alright lastly I wanna touch on me nd bf relationship. Alhamdulillah we've alr hit our first nd our 13th is coming soon. In just like a week. Hehe. I really thank God for meeting me nd him together. Eventhough there's a lot of disagreements nd such, this guy really changed me a whole lot. From someone who change guys like changing clothes to someone who sticks to one. Nd eventhough he's not perfect, eventhough he used to belong to th bad side, he still equips me with religious stuffs nd keep reminding me that He is always around me. Eventhough bf won't be there for me every single time, He is always there for us. I love it when he picks me up after work, I love it when he gives me surprises. He is th man I love. No one else needs to know how he is or how he looks like or how he behaves, so long as I believe in this relationship. Insya'allah. Kite merancang, Tuhan menentukan.

happy first dear

2011-12-05T21:29:00.004+08:00

SHAHILAH

First of all, I wanna wish us a HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY. Alhamdulillah we hit our first. Well I never thought we could go this far. yea, never had I been with any guy for this long. Thinking back th day we got together, it's funny. Cos I didn't even give myself a week to stay with him. But look, one year? I mean like ONE YEAR!? omg.

This relationship, I could say is th most challenging one of all. It's th greatest nd toughest one. Too many obstacles nd too many heartbreaks. What's more this day didn't turn out to be like what I imagined nd planned for it to be. Nevermind, maybe there'll be other days but those other days won't be th same like this one.

Nevermind Nabilah, it's okay. You should be happy that you've managed to go this far. You've managed to prove to yourself that you can actually be faithful to this man. Insya'allah, kalau ade jodoh kite akan kekal. Not saying that I'm prepared to let him go, but ahhh. God knows better. Kuatkan hatiku ini untuk menempuhi hari-hari yang akan datang kerana hati ini sesungguhnya tidak kuat lagi untuk melalui terlalu banyak onak dan duri.

I love you enough to fight for you, compromise for you, and sacrifice myself for you if need be.
Enough to miss you incredibly when we're apart, no matter what length of time it's for and regardless of the distance.
Enough to believe in our relationship, to stand by it through the worst of times, to have faith in our strength as a couple, and to never give up on us.
Enough to spend the rest of my life with you, be there for you when you need or want me, and never, ever want to leave you or live without you.

I love you this much. Insya'allah.

so confused

2011-11-29T16:51:00.002+08:00

SHAHILAH

Why is it that some pple just can't understand other pple's heart? No I'm not saying I do understand others. But at th very least I've tried. Its not easy being me, having to go through al th sufferings all alone. When I've already told myself that I'm willing to share th other party's problem, misery nd suffering, seems like there's a no vice versa. Oh well maybe I expect too much in this rshp. I should have been stronger when making decisions. But now it come to me bitting every piece of me slowly. Why is it that life have to be this cruel? They say when you're about to give up, remember why you hold on for so long in th first place. But is everything worth th fight?

11 months

2011-11-05T23:02:00.001+08:00

SHAHILAH

I wanna wish a Happy 11 Monthsary to me &love. It's nearly our first. Insya'allah we'll make it through.

wash away th sanity

2011-11-04T05:33:00.002+08:00

SHAHILAH

I don't really quite know what to say in my dead blog. I mean, I do insist myself on writing my blog. Cause that's th only place that brings back memories when you read your history one by one. Alright, so basically I guess I'm too tired already to actually continue or do anything. It's like, hello? I keep thinking of people's heart, I've got my own, remember? It just sucks.

Every single day I wished there will be a miracle that happens. I wished I could get to see th good side of life. I wished my wishes will come true. Silly me. Each time I tell myself I'm strong, there will always be one reason for me to say that I'm not.

Okay, how I wished someone can at th very least understands me. Okay sounds similar in almost every post huh. But that's th fact. At times I don't know but I feel guys make a big impact on us. Sometimes for us it's hard to live without them when at th very first time, we actually lived without them. But I don't know. Love makes people go crazy.

Nd in my case, let's just say I'll mend everything on my own alright? Dear heart, please cooperate with me. xo

Hanya aku

2011-10-12T02:18:00.003+08:00

SHAHILAH

Pada hari-hari yang biasa, dan pada hari-hari yang sama, hati ini selalu tertanya-tanya meskipun ku tahu tiada jawapan yang akan ku dapat. Terlalu banyak dugaan dan cabaran yang harus ku lalui. Aku tidak tahu dengan siapa lagi yang aku dapat meluahkan perasaanku ini. Aku tak pernah mahu ceritakan kesusahanku pada orang. Entah lah. Aku banyak memendam rasa.

Biarlah ku mula dengan Bismillah. Aku seorang perempuan, anak kepada ibu bapa, adik kepada kakak, kakak kepada adik-adik dan kekasih kepada si dia. Tapi kenapa hati ini selalu saja rasa kesunyian? Hidupku kini hanya penuh dengan berkerja. Tatkala aku terfikir juga aku seolah-olah berkerja dengan percuma. Ya, percuma. Kenapa kenapa kenapa? Aku penat, pernahkah ada sesiapa yang bertanya? Aku sihat, pernahkah ada sesiapa yang bertanya? Aku tak minta untuk ditanya setiap saat. Tapi janganlah buat aku seolah-olah aku tidak ada di depan matamu.

Lihatlah, betapa susahnya aku pada waktu ini. Siapa yang tahu? Tiada siapa. Lihatlah betapa aku mencuba untuk mengukir senyuman padahal hati ini terlalu dan teramat tersiksa. Siapa yang peduli? Tiada siapa. Kalau ada pun, siapa?

Aku selalu terfikir dan tertanya kenapa harus aku diduga sedemikian rupa. Adakah ini satu dugaan ataupun satu pemberian? Kenapa mulutku cakap tidak tetapi hatiku mengiakan? Usah turut kata hati. Kata-kata yang keluar dari mulut kadangkala berbisa. Teramat sangat. Tapi apa yang bisa ku lakukan? Aku hanya insan biasa. Yang tak boleh lari dari membuat kesilapan. Tapi aku masih mampu untuk berubah. Cuma ada masanya hati ini kuat tergoda.

Aku dipertemukan dengan seseorang insan bernama lelaki. Hanya DIA saja yang tahu betapa aku amat menyayangi dirinya. Aku pun tidak tahu kenapa antara semua lelaki yang hadir, dia? Dan DIA saja yang tahu betapa mulianya lelaki ini pada pandangan mataku. Bukan kerana aku menyayanginya. Tetapi kerana budi bahasanya pada orang tua, sikapnya yang prihatin dan dia tak putus asa untuk menasihatiku supaya berubah.

Dia juga insan yang biasa yang tak pernah lari dari membuat kesilapan. Tapi dia cuba sedaya upaya untuk membentukkan ku menjadi seorang wanita. Namun aku pasti semua tahu betapa sukarnya untuk manusia berubah. Mustahil kita dapat berubah dalam sekelip mata. Pasti ada sesuatu atau benda yang berlaku sehingga kita berubah.

Banyak larutan malam telingaku mendengar nasihatnya. Senang untuk berbicara, tetapi sukar untukku melakukannya. Kadangkala aku bersendirian mencari jawapan. Dan seperti telah ku katakan, aku tahu soalanku semua tiada jawapannya.

Mungkin tidak cukup bagiku untuk hanya keluar berkerja dan menanggung segala cos sendirian. Aku tahu terlalu banyak wang yang harus digunakan. Lagi-lagi di Singapura. Sana sini perlukan wang. Tapi wang tidak menjaminkan kebahagiaan. Kenapa aku ada wang tetapi aku tak bahagia? Kenapa aku selalu berbelanja dan kemudian akhirnya aku harus mencari jalan keluar? Mungkin aku tidak pernah bersyukur dengan apa yang ada. Mungkin aku terlalu boros.

Biarlah nota ini meninggalkan kesan hanya di sini. Biarlah. Hatiku rasa reda sedikit kerana dapat meluahkan sedikit perasaanku. Dan akan ku akhiri dengan Alhamdulillah. Wasalam.

our tenth

2011-10-09T03:14:00.004+08:00

SHAHILAH

I know it's a little too late to say this but nevertheless, I wna wish a happy ten to us. Alhamdulillah, we managed to go this far. Insya'allah, ia akan kekal berpanjangan.

He knows it all

2011-10-02T23:44:00.004+08:00

SHAHILAH

I may still be young, but there's too many that I have to go through. For helping others, this is what I get in return. So much for being so kind. I know I shouldn't expect anything in return. At th very least, appreciate. But then, when things go wrong, I'm th one who's to be blamed.

Was it my fault? I wonder. Everyone is pointing at me. When true fact, no one knows th truth. It's okay. I let this pain mount in my heart. Insya'allah I'm strong to face all these challenges. As time goes by, it will be a lie if I didn't think of my very own future.

Ferst of all, I'm not ready. I'm still young. Not even at th age of 18. Secondly, money wise. Building a future with someone needs a whole lot of money. I can't possibly live in th streets. Lastly, I don't want to marry early nd at a young age cos I'm afraid my marriage will be a failure just like some. I know I can't compare but I've seen right in front of my eyes how early marriage suffers some.

Nevertheless, I can't deny that I'm a normal girl who wants a sense of belonging. For sure I want to get married nd be a princess for a day. Next thg, carry a child of my own nd be a queen to a prince/princess. On top of all that, I want to go honeymoon to somewhere romantic. Ahh isn't it every girls dream?

I can't say much to th situation that I'm in. Yes, I do tend to give up easily but somehow someone gave me th pillar of strength to move on. There's s many things people don't know about me. There's so many things that I hide from them. Why open up when people tend to judge? I'd rather keep all those things to myself nd only God knows th truth.

My absence from home, I've got my own reasons. Nd just bcos you're contacting th ones I introduced you means you got th right to check on me each nd every single second. You've yet to know th ones I have not introduced you. Like I've said, there's too many things people don't know.

Heart, please be strong to go through this pain. I know my heart can't take it any longer but I shall keep it strong. Tell me, which girl is strong enough to go through th cruelty of life, being pregnant nd having to go abortion cos parents disapprove, criticism here nd there. Nd since I was young, I never had a real nd a true bestf. Friends tend to stab you from th back. Even once.

I know I can choose to ignore nd let them judge. But it's unfair when you just hear one side of th story nd then, you judge. Fuck it. Seriously. You're no one to judge. Nd to note it all, no one is perfect. No one. Just, no one. Ergh. I can't control these emotions. Only God knows how much pain I went through. Only God knows how weak my heart is. Only God knows howmuch I try to control these tears from falling. Only.God.knows.it.all.

destiny

2011-09-18T03:38:00.002+08:00

SHAHILAH

It's like you have to be strong for everyone else but they forget to ask if you're okay.

I've always nd had been thinking about people's heart, people's feelings such that I don't care about my own. I've been th one sacrificing, this nd that. At times it seems like as though I'm trying to please others. I guess I have to stop all that. Well, maeb atleast. I don't know how long this heart can endure. Everything sucks to me now.

Our nine monthsary

2011-09-07T10:14:00.003+08:00

SHAHILAH

Today is th 7th September. Okay so basically I wanna wish two things. One is a happy birthday nd also, happy nine months. You're th one who is shocked to count nine fingers. Yes, I'm very happy that despite th ups nd downs, we managed to stay nd hold on to each other. Especially you. I know I've been cheating nd lying, but still you accept it. Just that I don't want to make another mistake such that you will lose trust on me. I'm working on gaining everything back. Just for th sake of this relationship. It will be a waste if I just let things go just like that. I know I'm not th perfect one but I hope I'm th one. All this while you stayed, all this while I waited. I don't ask for much. What I hope is for you to keep on loving me nd may Allah bless our relationship. Amin amin amin. You've showered me with lots of love that no one has ever done. You changed my life, such that now if I'm out, I'm with you. I don't care what others got to say about you. I know what I'm doing nd we know th reason why. If it wasn't for you, I'm sure I won't be where I am now.

XOXO

views.

2011-08-25T00:48:00.002+08:00

SHAHILAH

I don't know. I've been treating like mine. True fact it isn't. Okay I've got like ten minutes to update everything nd nything I can before I shut down this computer nd have my beauty sleep since I've already promised boyf that I will shut down th computer before 1am. He's always spot-checking me at anytime nd anywhere so I shall keep my promise Insyallah. Teehee. Anihoes, recently th net is all about th religious views of different pple. Okay I shall say each nd everyone of us have our own views on different religion. But I guess pple should have a bit more respect nd not criticise other religion. Especially when I came across this Makcik's blog who actually have th name Hajjah but she puts up Lady Gaga's picture sitting on th Kaabah. On OUR KAABAH. Okay itu sudah melampau. Tapi takp, smoge Allah SWT membalasnyr. Kite manusie mampu berdoa smoge die diberi taufik dan hidayah. Chey.

Okey 5 more minutes. Im rushing. Okay I wna talk about bf la. Hehe. I know everyday I cant get to meet him, I know everyday I cant get to see his face nd such. But I have th believe that his heart nd mine belongs to each other nd that I shall not worry about anything else. [But I still worry though] Okay look maybe pple judge by our outer appearance. I don't care. Cause I know how his heart is. I know how clean his heart is. Never in my life have I met such a person. Insyallah, if God willing, we will last. Like how HE met us, I'm leaving it to him too on how HE wants to end us. Either good or bad, I'll have to accept it with an open heart. Cause I know nothing in this world belongs to us. He met us, He separates us. It's not in our hands to judge. We only plan. Only He knows how much I love nd care for this man, my man. Awwww~

fasting mth

2011-08-21T10:37:00.004+08:00

SHAHILAH

This fasting month is supposed to be a holy month for we Muslims. But still for sure there'll still be some sins nd wrongdoings here nd there. We're still humans after all. So I jollywell thought that in this fasting month I can save my money like save yknow, save. But I was wrong. Seriously, money spent here nd there. Especially when breaking fast time. Ahhhhh all th food looks so yummy that you wna buy all of them. Okeyla, rezeki kan. But ergh. Kocek hangos seh. :(

Well fasting month is also testing my patience for some pple. But still, I'll just endure. Whats more with work that seems so unfair to me. At times I just feel like not going to work at all. Yknow th feeling of being super tired but you still have to work to earn money for yourself? Ahh yes thats it. Like no one understands th pressure. Whats more if pple were to know about my real story why I just have to work no matter what. No matter I've not been getting enough sleeps, no matter how restless I can be. Ahh I'll just have to endure.

One thing that I'm hoping is for bby to actually finish his tests nd may he actually get a permanent job which hopefully can enlighten a lil bit of my burden.

Not complaining about how stressful I can be but it's just that I don't know why some pple just like to take advantage of other pple's kindness. Like, ya Ikno I'm nowhere near perfect but cmon. I cant be going on like this all th way. Like I don't know if anyone knows what I feel when my hard-earned gone to waste to stuffs that are not important. Just thank God that I'm not heartless. I couldn't say more. Everything just sucks.

I wanna bake cake or kueh for this raya but so busy with work like I'm working 6 days per week. When will be th time for me to do such things? See, I've been spending my time at work more than I spend at home. Second home or what!? Okeyla beli jela. Nak buat mcm mane.

Boyf, he's th sweetest thing ever except that there's some annoying things about him that suck my blood at times but still I love this man. Everything's fine nd sweet. It's just that.... Ahh I'll just keep it to myself. I'm strong alright. I love me. Muahs.

baby

2011-08-19T08:46:00.004+08:00

SHAHILAH

Hi boyf. Just to let you know that you're th sweetest thing ever on Earth. You're th one that I yearn for each day. I don't know why I keep falling in love with you deeper each day. Thanks for th gift, you don't know how much it meant to me. Nd you don't know how much you mean to me. I pray this rshp will last, Insyallah. Happy fasting dearest. No words can express how much i love you. [LOVIN*_*YOU] ahh so cute.

With love,
your cute girlf. :)

Selamat berpuasa

2011-08-06T22:58:00.002+08:00

SHAHILAH

Selamat berpuasa semua. Okay lambat nak wish but I tak selalu online kan. Semenjak menjak skarang ni nak hadap fb pun susah. Maklomlah berkerje dan ade halangan yang tertentu. Heheh. Okeyla aku ni sebenarnye tak puas hati. Time bole puase, tanak puase. Time tak bole puase, nak puase. Macam skarang ni. Nak sangat aku puase. Tapi ni musuh asik dtang je. Geram tau aku. Puase lain jela. Chey. Okey so mudah mudahan next week dapat puase. God willing.

Yesterday was my 8th monthsary with dearest boyf. Alhamdullilah. We've managed to go this far. I'm so happy. Hehes. What's more I received something from him. That's so sweet of him. Insyallah hubungan ini akan terus terjalin selama dia mengizinkan. There's nothing much that I can say about us bcos I don't want to be sweet with just words. Nevertheless, I thank God for giving me th best gift I ever received so far. Which is him. This man who changed me a whole lot. Tgok, skarang nak klua merayap pun dah tak. Duduk rumah, keje, jumpe die. Ahh bagus kan aku. Pegi rumah orang lain pun tak. Good girl kan I. Chey. Macam faham sey. Okeyla. Mudah mudahan hubungan kita akan kekal. Amin.

irritated

2011-07-31T14:38:00.003+08:00

SHAHILAH

Mase kau dapat peluang, kau buat bodoh. Entah laa aku sendiri tak faham dengan perangai kau. Kalau asik aku sorang je yang kene give in pun tak swee kan. Bukannye mati pun kalau kau bagitau aku. Sial la, aku tak faham ah. Yang satu adu. Yang lagi satu heck care fuck care. Ergh. Entah la. Macam banyak second thoughts pula aku skarang. Jangan nak cakap aku tak fikir pasal kau, aku slalu fikir. Aku slalu tgu. Tapi nie ke yang aku dapat? Tiap tiap hari kau ade, tapi kau tak make th initiative. Kadang2 aku mcam menyesal gitu dengar cakap kau. Entah la. Tak guna ah kalau aku yang merana aja. Kau pun bukannye fikir tentang aku kan? Might as well tkya lame. Might as well cari orang yang boleh terime kau punye perangai yang sekejap ada sekejap takde. Sort siah. Sayang gni kau buat. Part nak sesuatu bukan main lagi kau. Ergh. Entah la. Aku tak faham ah dengan perangai kau. Aku memang dah agak. Kau dah okay je, dah baik je. Gnie ah jadinye. Dah agak dah! Takya susahsusah aku nak fikirkan kau. K bye.

responsibility much

2011-07-26T00:06:00.002+08:00

SHAHILAH

Kau ckap psal tanggungjawab yang aku tak pernah tahu kau buat. Kau ckap seolah-olah macam ni bende takde bende gitu. Tapi takpe. Aku cume tak tahu macam mane nak hadapi je. Tapi aku try k. I try n I try. I just have to be prepared. Sial la.

Alhamdullillah, I'm already a confirmed staff. So that means I'll get new uniform, increase in pay, more privilleges nd yay yay shopping spree. But end of th month confirm macam siak. Ahhaaa. Okay I'll try to stay put with this job, Insyallah. Den after that I wna collect as much money as I can cos I got lots nd lots of planning. Tapi entah lah kalau dapat ke tidak capai duit banyak2. Slalu gaji, dalam due minggu dah sangkut. Geram jek. Kan bagus kalau aku anak orang kaya. Hais. Bersyukur dengan ape yang ade jelah.

broken

2011-07-20T22:55:00.002+08:00

SHAHILAH

I'm just afraid, I'm not prepared. What's going on? I just hate it when you just give me th hope pn this &that but you simply don't mean it. I hate it when you seem like as though you're not looking forward to meet me at every chance you have but instead, you meet those friends of yours. Ahh I'm not saying you can't mix with your friends but cmon. Shit ah. My heart is not strong enough to hold on to so many things. I'm still young, yes I am. I'm supporting myself, but I just don't. I keep thinking of others, but no one's thinking about me. I just can't seem to understand. Humans will remain as humans. I keep noticing, when we're having a good life, ahhhh, friends all come. When in need of help, ahhhh, where'd you go? No, I'm not saying that th ones I help have to help me back or if I need help they must must must help me. But then, ahh idontknow laa. It just sucks alright? My life has been like this all this while.

On top of that, I don't know if I'm angry or I'm sad right now. Okay, with one look I hope you know that I'm not okay. Seeing it all right in front of my eyes all along, it just break my heart into tiny tiny pieces. I don't know if you know that I love you too much. I'm seriously afraid that my heart won't be strong enough. Nevertheless, I shall keep motivating myself to become stronger. So much of saving th tears from after work till I reach home till I don't know when I slept then wake up then cry again nd now my head is spinning round nd round. It's been so long since I last cried. Ohh man seriously it was. So I guess it's not good for me. Ahhh I guess I better tuck in now since tomorrow I'm working overtime nd for th day after. Suckish laa. But if I'm really tired then I guess I shall request to change. Cos it just sucks working overtime when you're in th early shift. Ahh what's more having to stand all day long. If I storegirl I won't mind ah seriously. Okay shall end here.

If you love me let me know. If not, please gently let me go.

these words

2011-07-17T03:09:00.003+08:00

SHAHILAH

I can't describe th feeling I have right now. I don't know how to express it. Oh God it just sucks big time. Sometimes I don't know who else do I share my problem with. I can clearly see those who need me only come to me when I'm well. When I'm not, when I have problems nd ask them for help, nahh. Not even a single friend bothered to ask what's wrong nd why out of a sudden things happen this way. Not a single friend. But thats okay. I'm sure everyone is busy with their own stuffs. I cant expect pple to concentrate on me. Its just that, I feel everyone dont bother, dont care. Except for my family. I should have sticked with them all along. But I still insist on mixing with my friends. Mum's being a disaster when she keeps repeating th same old thing. One thing for sure I hate being nagged. Although she speaks to me softly, I don't care. It's a nag for me that I lived with. Irrits ykno repeat th same stuff over nd over again. It's so annoying ykno. I'm a grownup. Oh cmon!

Life's being a shit but I shall not say that it sucks. Cos I know there's a whole lot more pple who are fighting for th life I'm living. I must be grateful with what I have. I'm just afraid that one day when I open up my eyes, I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I'm afraid that it's time for me to face HIM. No matter how bad or how rebellious I am, I'm still afraid of dying. That's clear.

Work has not been any better. Everything stays th same nd I'm just hoping that th sales will quickly end. It just sucks having to like run here nd there, customers faces like ~!@#$%^ when they ask for some stuffs when they know that it's sales items. Trying their luck huh I guess. Too bad how sad, its good enough that th prices are cheaper. Then come nd ask for new stocks. Like, hello? Cheap alr not good enough meh!? Wakaliwey. Can show th ~!@#$%^ face some more. Wahhh, this hands just feel like giving one tight punch nd walk away. But I know I just cant nd I have to endure. Yaa daa yaa daa. Endure till I dont know when. Work till I die. Marry someone rich ah. Easy life only ah me. Cibaikia. Suffer now enjoy later. But now suffer suffer, enjoy awhile only. Ahh sian ahh.

So relationship with boyf is still on. I'm grateful for his presence that changed me bit by bit. Nowadays I see myself going home straight nd sleep, then wakeup for work nd th routine goes on nd on. Meet him nd no one else, not that much of hanging out. Or maybe bcos of money problem that i have? Chey no laa, but seriously, I find me at home better. Can sleep ahh. If not have to entertain pple who just dont understand that th following day I have to work how. Cannot ah like that right? I help you, you must help me too. I understand you, you must understand me too. Cannot one way only ykno. Chey talk like all my friends read my blog. Baah!

So yea, I'm already used to boyf's ugly habits. At times I can just laugh to myself thinking back how he's just being himself. Th real him that I've never seen before in our earlier relationship. I'm thankful that he's comfortable with me. When he tells me random "imissyou", it just flatters me. I don't know why this man is th man I love, th man I'm faithful to nd th man that I never fail to look upon to. Each day, I wished we can get to meet each other. But I can't be so selfish. What's more both of us are busy with work. Th time restrictions kinda of sucks. Well, not kinda. Really sucks. I wished I can be greeted with morning &night kisses by this man, my man. I wished I can get to see his smile every night before I go to sleep such that my mind won't wander off. I daydream to start a family. I daydream to have kids of our own. When he talks about marriage, I get scared. I'm afraid to lose this man, my man. Not that I don't want to marry him. I want to be with him for th rest of my life for as God allows me too. I want to embrace him in my hug, letting him know that I'll be there. But I'm afraid. It's just that I'm not ready. Nevertheless, I just love this man too much. Only God knows how much I've sacrificed, how much I've cried, how much I've changed nd how much I love him. Only He knows it all.

sis b'dae

2011-07-15T10:40:00.002+08:00

SHAHILAH

Happy nineteenth birthday to my sister, Nurzalikha Binte Muhammad Shah. Wootswoots. Dah 19 seyy. So tua, give me your age pun cantik lah. Ahaaa. Okay, nothing much to say, enjoy your day.

It's been so long since I last updated my blog I guess. Kesian blog I. Kene abaikan. It's not that I purposely want to abaikan you tau, but because I'm very busy with work nd once I reach home, my sis will be using th comp/laptop. If rumah got wireless, no problem ah. Ini one connection saja. Die lah. Haiyo. Okey, so body is tired. Hais. Alright, so right now is th middle of th month. Middle of th month nd I'm stucked. Money tight. Just anyone, any lobang to loan duit? Pfft.

For those who's asking about me &bf, don't worry, we're still together. Seperation holds us stronger. Only that we just can't spend time with each other like we used to. But, that's okay. I'm getting used to it alr. Being in my shoes having to understand th situation is simply hard. But I tried, for th sake of this rshp. I tried, cause nothing else matters. Even if one day we can't be together forever, I'll always remember this man. Cause there's too many things that are being untold. Just keep it this way. I guess it's th best way.

preview

2011-07-02T09:28:00.004+08:00

SHAHILAH

Sick. Yes, that's it. I hate this kind of feeling, sick &having to go to work. It's like, ergh! But what to do, I'll still force myself to work as long as th pain is still bearable. So I heard today is NDP's previews? Hmm, I don't even know if I'll get th chance to go NDP. Hopefully shop won't be open. Sape aje yang nak beli belah on national day kan. So yesterday met up with Susie &had dinner with her at The Cafe Cartel. Food was okay lah. I'm still full till now. Haha. Kadangkadang, orang yang bekerje pun mcam tkd life. Balik, mkan tdo, pastu bangun siap2 gi kje. Nd th routine continues. Tapi once dah gaji, ada life lah. Hekhek. Ok, I wna buy online stuffs. Dress &perfumes. Yey yey! I hope online stuffs can be trusted. *crossfinger*

Stupid menses, come twice in one month. Whatsmore during sales period. Mofucka. Kasi bunge aku penat je nak keluarkan darah. So th irritating cause darah keluaa bergempalgempal mcam tissue yang dicelop dgan darah. Lagi dgan die punye panaspanas. Yucks. Geli siol. Nasib orang perempuan. :/

Otf with bf till late night. He so th perasan. Hhaha. Cute lah si dekni. Then after we put down th phone, while I was on my bed already going to close my eyes to lalaland, he calls again. Spotcheck, mcam biase. Spot check la lagi satu ke due jam. Ni tidak. Restless betul ni tue. Hahaha. Anihoes, another 3 more days. I can't wait. I'm like so looking forward for our day. Ishh. Mcam tak pna pna aku setie begini lame. Mcam best gitu. Yelaa, sayang sume best. Kalau tak, melayang. Hahaa. But it's not a matter of th days we are together. It's how you make th days count. Ahhh I can never ask for much.

rambles

2011-06-28T10:56:00.002+08:00

SHAHILAH

Alright, updating cause I'm being pastered, like always. Who else who will paster me if not my bitch right? Okey, been busy with work. I just cant wait for sales to end like seriously. So my pay will be in a few days time. This time round, I seriously need to save nd put aside an amount for transportation fees so that I won't be money tight at th end of th month. This always happens. When you have money, you just want to spend it all. Naik sedap lah katekan. Never think of th later times, ahh susah ahh. So yeaa, I hope sales will end soon. So that I can work like normally. Sales, so tiring, I can go crazy. Cant even run here nd there to do a lil bit of this nd that. Just sucks, alright.

Okay, so last night I talked with bf otf. We did fight few days back such that I raised my voice to him. Yes, it was my mistake raising my voice. But I was so super duper angry. Haish. It's so dissapointing, like I don't know what's got into you. Eventhough you only went, there. That's why I followed through. I went to th place which you don't like. Yes, if you can do it, why can't I? It's not easy to give in that night cause I know shits happened. But I did, eventually. It's like my mistake. That's life. Then we're okay nd I told him whats written in my fb nd blog cause he wants to know. Yea, rather than he listens to other pple, might as well I just say it by myself. Nd there he goes, questions that I'm avoiding. But still I just say it. At times it gets hard, I don't know how long this can last. When all I want is only you. Sometimes it's just not th time to think about all this. But when? When my heart nd yours don't care nd love each other anymore? Haish. I admit, you're th best I've ever received. I never had anyone like you before. I can never ask for much. I kept thinking why this nd why that, but, ahh. God knows better.

Gifted man

2011-06-21T21:42:00.003+08:00

SHAHILAH

I didn't want to update my blog. But my bitch is pestering me. Alright, here you go. Right now, work is killing me. Like seriously. I'm tired, but I have to be strong. If not, from who will I get money from? So it just sucks having to do th same old routine over nd over again. At times I just want to be like other successful women at a young age. But, what can I do? Even my cert qualification is not that high. Just a Nitec in Service Skills Office. To achieve higher, I need to study again. This time for sure, private. But then again, I don't know if I'm prepared for school life again. I just feel like sleeping at home all day without getting tired. Maybe tired of sleeping.

So yea, had my nails done. Yipee! Menicure &pedicure at Orchard. Sad thing is that, not even one day my nails was destroyed abit due to housework. Suckish, Ikno. What to do. But that's okay. Off day go town. Others will slack at home. Ahh not always what. Everytime at Tamp. So boring.

Alright, now, serious matter. I wanna talk about dearest bf. I kno almost or every post I will post about him. Like, who else do I share my feelings with if not him? But then, he doesn't need to know my inner feelings. Not that I'm ego, but I don't think he have to, as of now. Not that I don't appreciate him, I do. I really do. Every single moment spent with him is a moment I will treasure. Who else will watch me do this nd that? Making faces nd don't care whether it looks ugly or not. Who else will give me th courage nd support? Ikno either one or both is hurting. Yes, Ikno that. Nd Ikno you don't want to make me angry purposely. I don't know what's got into me. I don't know why I felt so insecure. Its just that one text during your work time is not satisfying. Ikno I'm supposed to understand you. Ikno I'm supposed to support you, like how you supported me. Like you said, I'm being unfair. But then, you just have to know it's you who's not fair. Ikno this is pushing th blame to each other. But, ahhhh. God knows better. He knows how much I've hurt, how much I faked my smiles, how much I tried to be strong eventhough I'm weak nd that at any point of time, I can breakdown. Being th one who's giving in always is not easy. But I tried, for th sake of this relationship that I don't want to lose. I know I'm not someone whom you can run to at any point of time. I know I'm not th one who can be there, sharing stories with you, chit chatting till late night nd laugh with you like nobody else matters. I let this separation allows our relationship to be stronger. When bby told me to go out, it's like, bby knows what's going on. It's like bby understands. I don't know if really bby knows or it's just that I've been thinking too much about this. One moment I can handle everything well. Another moment I feel like as though I'm going to break apart. I quote this song lyric that I thought I wanted to share with you, "I wanna grow old with you" but I don't know how much this lyric means to you like how this lyric means to me. I don't know if it ever crossed your mind. Nd, I don't know if this lyric will turn into reality. All I know is that I'm still standing strong like I ever used to. I'm still fragile deep inside, but I've got th strength to pull it off. That 6 word lyric meant a lot. Th song, it just touches my heart deep down. Despite th arguements, th tear &share, I'll still stay by your side, for as long God allows me to. I'll stay faithfully in your arms, in your eyes &in your heart.

lack

2011-06-18T02:57:00.003+08:00

SHAHILAH

Ikno I've been lacking my blog down here. Well, I've been busy with work plus th End of Season sales for Mango has already started. Damn. It's super duper tiring nd after a long day at work, any woman would like to see their loved ones at home, spending tme together. Ahh I'm still young for all that. But there's this tiny winy feeling for sure. Bf had been th best, supporting me from th back, especially when I nearly gave up. What he said knock my senses. But I can't seem to continue for long. What's more when customers provoke me. This job really taught me a lot of patience. If I were to follow my anger which is boiling up inside me, for sure I'll be thrown out from work. I'm sick nd tired doing th same thing over nd over again but there's nothing else tht I can do. I need to motivate my ownself. Seriously. I can't continue having th habit of being so lazy nd not wanting to do work. If not, there will be no money for me! Nd that sucks. So hopefully this tme round I will get more pay cos I have overtime pay also. I'm too shaggered. My eyes are hurting. Even th dry skins are already acting. Ohh god. Too many things happening in ashort period of time. I don't know how nd what to react. I just got to follow th flow. Each time anyone asks me if I'm fine, yes, I'm fine. But nothing's fine. There's so many things to worry about. That's life. Nd everything just sucks. I'm getting emotional down here. Shall upload songs to Mp3 nd off to bed. Cos Ikno early morning I will receive a wakeup call. From who else? Boss lah! Hekhek.

Ohhyar, bfore I forget, I browsed thru pple's fb just now nd I came across this particular person's fb. This person used to be my everything. Despite my shits, he accepts th flaws in me. That, I did not appreciate him. So yea, after he is gone only then do I know that I should have treasured him. But everything is too late. Even now there's no more love. But I do miss those times. It's just that feeling you have when you see th one you used to love with someone else, then it just came into your mind that, I was in her shoes before. Not feeling so bad as in she took my past, but in th sense that she must be a one lucky girl to be in that place. Nevertheless, I'm thankful to have bf with me. He's th man that I can never find anywhere else. Th love of my life.

Half Year

2011-06-05T01:43:00.005+08:00

SHAHILAH

This date, marks down a special day for me. Finally, I've come to a stage whereby I've hit th target I never thought I will reach. We went through lots of hardships nd pains. Especially me. But you've always wanted to share th pain with me. You can never be there for me every single time. But you tried didn't you? I can never ask for much. All I hope is that this relationship will not have its end, Insyallah. You taught me a lot of things no one else does. You never fail to lecture me despite knowing how much I hate it. You never, gave up on me. If you were to ask me what I want, I want nothing else but you. This relationship taught me that I have to be really patient in going through life. Distance brings us closer. At times I kept thinking about th thing you kept talking about. Let's not try hard to get. We'll just leave it everything to fate. Insyallah. I may not be th perfect one, but I'll try to be th one.

Buat selamanya dalam hidupku.

L o v e

2011-06-02T00:55:00.004+08:00

To: You

During my whole life, all I want is someone who'd be afraid of losing me. Someone who will grow old with me. Someone who can share his life with me. Someone who never gives up on me. Someone who loves me cause I'm simply me.

Love, me.

datedate

2011-05-28T02:59:00.003+08:00

SHAHILAH

Okay I want to update since I've been lacking my website here. Alright, so yesterday bf actually went down to my workplace just to have dinner with me. Awww sweet kan. Seriously sia, I was like so excited when he called nd all. Woooo. But mau maintain oke, malu'malu meow. Grr. Alright, so we ate at Century Square, as usual, fighting over th chicken's skin. Then after that we smoke machine &he send me back to work. Aww such a sweetiepie. He's been th best. Yes, th best I ever had.

So yea, work has been pretty much th same. Me sleeping late, rushing to work nd then end up drinking coffee halfway through cause my eyes can't take it any longer. I can't go on like this everyday cause for sure I know one day my body consperm shut down. So that's why. Even right now I'm rushing for time. Time to sleep! I've been lacking of sleep. Like seriously siah. Penat to th core.

Nothing much that I want to update. Just that I want to say I miss my bf &son so much. Okay son, please take good care of yourself down there. Ibu will always pray for you in my prayers. I'm sorry for everything. I love you like no one else can ever love you. Yes. For sure it is.

Fariz Shahzari <3

boyfriend's day

2011-05-22T03:46:00.003+08:00

SHAHILAH

I'm currently at my cousin's cribs. Met boipren just now. Ahh he like nabei cibai. So cute ah. I've never met him in such state. Well, I do pity him for all th shits that he have to go through. I'm just thankful that he opens up to me nd not keeping it to himself. But then again, life is full of obstacles. Nothing is perfect in this world. Nothing is wonderful. Just like you &me. Our relationship have its own obstacles, but we managaed to cling on. Especially for me, who never hit a 3rd month. Nd suprisingly, with you I hit th 5th month. Our half year is around th corner. I feel so magically blessed eventhough I have to go through pains nd all. But as said, nothing is perfect nd all. That's why. Being patient nd sacrificing might be worthwhile at th end of th day. Stories hurts, but thats one of th main reason why I still stand strong. Whats more, last night made me stronger. You've been th one who advice me nd such eventhou I might not listen to them, but you never give up. So I don't see a point why should I too. Iloveyou laa baby.

Even during my off day, my legs won't spare me a moment. It just hurts now nd then. I feel like quitting job nd have a long rest. But no, I have to endure. I don't want to be a failure in giving up so easily. Life without money just sucks. Alright, yes for sure it just sucks. So I have to endure. Insyallah I will last with this job or have a better job in th future. I just need to try.

So me &bf talked about our enrolment thing. Yes, eventhou I know it's gna be like another 7 months or so, I want to be prepared for this. As in, finance. I plan to take motor first then car. Cause car is a bit more expensive. So I guess motorcycle. Atleast ykno, I will like, not think much of transportation money cause I have a bike. Only thing I have to think of is oil. But not cooking oil laa. Hahaa. I just hope everything will work like how we planned. Insyallah.

Family wise, well, I know I might not be th perfect child. Neither are my siblings. We're different in our own ways so it will be good if parents don't compare. I just hope our family bond won't break eventhou mine &dad are broken.

Bitch, well, Ikno there are a lot of stories nd gossips that are awaits us. Yea, bitching time. Soon alright? Just wait for th day that I come nd sleepover. Cause ykno, I have lots of stories to share that will make you go "eee sial lahh". Hahaaa. Ikno, haven't tell also Ikno. Hee. About your lovelife, well, just be patient alright? Lovekaubitch!

family &son

2011-05-21T03:01:00.002+08:00

SHAHILAH

I was bored, therefore I choosed to wrote on my blog. But then, suddenly I wanted to read my younger sister's blog. It's been so long since I last viewed her blog. Main reason is because she don't update regularly. That's why. So out of a sudden I want to read. Turned out to be that she wrote about me. Nd I'm pretty sure you will read my blog. So here's to you, since we rarely have time for each other. I'm sorry cause I can't fulfill my promise. I know I've given hopes that our family will be more closer nd I want to strengthen our family bond. But then, I didn't expect that our family will be like this. Seriously. If I know, I wouldn't promise you. I still don't know why there's still grudges between me nd your dad. Imean, since last time. Well, you know better don't you?

I know me &your dad have been fighting nd it's like there's no chance for us to be back like how we used to be, one happy family. Well, at times I just miss those times when I was still inside. Whereby family stood by me through it all nd assured me that everything's gonna be alright. Our family became closer eversince I was in there. Yes, for sure you guys visited me nd all. But no one understands th pressure in there. But right now, I just feel like going back there whereby I don't have to think of all this. How do you feel when you feel like a stranger in your very own home? Family don't seem like family. Acting like strangers nd such. I don't blame anyone for such shits that took place. Cause I know I'm at fault too. But then, you know no matter what, I will always love you. Eventhough how much I say I hate you, no matter how much we fight, you know I love you. Ego kills everything. I may not spend time with you, talking to you about your life or lovelife nd such, but I just hope you know what to do nd what to choose.

Nisah, I just want you to think using your own brains. I know I'm not perfect to say like this to you. But I've gone thru a lot. Life taught me alot of things that you might not go through at your age. Cause at your age, I'm alr in, going through shits nd all. Imagine at yor age, you're inside. No freedom nd such. Nothing. Can you live for two years of sufferring with rules &regulations from law nd not parents? Can you? Alright, yes I'm gonna type this all here since I know you're gna read it nd like I said, we rarely have time for each other. Okey, you have th chance to go through O level. Look at me, Express to Acad. I completed only N. As for Along, she went th long way. Reached sec5 nd nw in poly. You're a lucky girl. I know mum is putting hopes on you nd you might not be able to fulfill it. Just sit back, think hard. What do you want in life, what you want to do in future. I know some things we need parents approval nd such. But then, are you going to be happy if you want to please others? Nd will your future be bright if you follow yours? You need to ask yourself these qs before you prepare yourself for th next stage. Yes, it's gna be hard. I myself can't answer what I want in life. But I want you to succeed. I want you to shine. Atleast at th same level as Along or higher. I don't want any of my siblings to be in my level. I know it might sound cool to do this nd that, but no, reality check. Nothing is cool.

Getting yourself into trouble nd all, it's not cool. It might be fun. But are you prepared to face th consequences? Well, I don't think so. Think about th hard times I have to go through before. When you said you miss me, I don't know how to express th feeling but hey, Imissyoutoo. Tears rolled down my cheek as I read your post. Nisah, as you turn older, you choose th path you want to lead. Th left one, or th right one. There's only two options available. Nd you have to prepare for th future obstacles in either options. You know nothing is perfect. That's why you have to prepare yourself physically nd mentally. Think hard. Love? I shall not interfere cause everyone needs to be in love. Just take good care of yourself alright. I don't want you to be like me. Please, I don't want to see th dissapointment again in mum's eyes. I could see how much she hurt, but I have to suffer th pain. I've been th worst child your parents have, that's why I don't want any of you guys to be like me. It's okay if I have to go through th sufferings, th criticism, th pain nd such. As long as my siblings don't. I just hope you'll concentrate on your studies or your passion. Just don't let others words bring you down. As for family ties, don't worry. I'm fine with things as th way it is. But yea, I do miss th closeness of our family.

Well I know this post is super duper long. I'll give a summary of mine since I've said so much. Work is okay, I'm left with two more months. Bf has been fine. Only that I miss being with him always. Nowadays pple are just drifting apart. It just sucks. But what can I do. I miss my kiddo. I hope he's fine down there. I feel like rewinding th time nd hold on to him. But I can't. I want to see him grow up, but what can I do now. May he be placed right there peacefully. Iloveyou child.

Stories after stories

2011-05-18T02:55:00.002+08:00

SHAHILAH

I just get bored blogging cause I don't know who is reading mine nd whose blog can I read. Imean as in, daily updates. That's why I just get bored down here. Well, one thing for sure Ikno most pple won't want to share their life/personal stories down here. Well, that's okay. Oke, I don't kno whose reading my blog but nevertheless, I shall still update this blog of mine. Reason for doing so is bcos I tend to share my feelings down here.

Well, seriously talking work have been pretty much tiring. Cause I'm still not used of standing. But hopefully, as days goes by, I will get used to it. Like, okay la. I can cope with work well alr. Only that I have to discipline myself to come to work on time nd not to be late. I've been late for a number of times alr. I just hope my pay can cover my shopping expenses. Well, for sure I won't be buying so much, I guess? Cause it's gna be th June sales. What's more I've not shop for such a long time. It's time to treat myself. I need a massage/relaxing at spa.

Family is still like th same. Nothing changes. Everything is like always. Except that I just get irritated over certain things. Like, okay, complaining time. Eventho I may not watch th Tv everyday, but why can't ykno, get a big tv for th house? Like, th tv is so small. Then when th small kids watch near, mum wna scold nd such. Well, I don't blame them for watching so near. Tv is so small. What do you expect? Then, fan. Fan at living room is spoilt so why can't mum replace with a new fan? Cause Nisah is so like sleeping outside nd I'm sleeping in her room. Okay, toilet. Why can't mum replace th spray nd have a water heater? Bedroom. Why can't mum buy a new bed for th three rooms nd most prob a small oone outside like a sofa bed or smethg so that we can sleep properly? Like, Along for sure have her bed which she never thinks of how affected I am not sleeping in my own room. Then, Nisah's room, if she sleeps while doing her stuffs, it will be hard to wake her up nd end up I have to sleep outside. Then mum's room whereby th two kids are sleeping on top of a mat or what you call it? Pathetic or pityful? I don't know. Lastly, we siblings are always fighting for th usage of th computer. Why can't mum just buy th wireless? Ikno she will say it's not cheap nd all, but it's like, cmon, only one person per usage? This is not like a cybercafe or what, hello? Even cyber cafe have access for other computers. Food nd stuffs, I don't want to ask for much. Cause at times I don't even kno if it's mum or her husband's cooking. Nd that's why, money is spent, just like that.

Last ending topic will be relationship, as per normal. Okay, so me &bf is like always. We're fine but nothing's perfect. I'm happy when I'm with him, especially when we head to town area nd such. I just love those moments whereby I can spend th time with him, wisely. I'm happy when suddenly he gets pissed off when he saw a couple then th bf will look at other girls. Which Ikno who he is referring too. Then when he will comment about our picture. Haha. How cute. I don't know what more I shall ask from this man. I'm happy eventhou I'm hurt. Past stories hurts, eventhou they took place way long ago. Which girl likes to hear stories about their own man with his past gfs? Imean like, eventhou on that point of time we're strangers, nd that happened long ago, it's gna be a lie if I say a girl's heart won't be affected even just a bit. We are affected. We hurt. But we still do listen. Reason? Who else will be interested in hearing your stories till late nights or early mornings? But when we talk about our past, you guys show th god damn ego face. But that's okay. Atleast Ikno you're jealous. Nevertheless, sharing past stories is quite good thou. Ikno how your actions will be like nd more or less, Ikno how your character is when you're with girls. Well I'm always sharing so much stuff in my blog. I'm sure anyone who reads this will be like so tired that they don't want to finish reading unless they're plainly bored I guess. Alright I'm off to bed since it's alr 3.20 in th morning nd I'm working tmr. Like, so everyday. Well, last confession. I miss my bf, even when he's right beside me. I don't kno how to describe th feeling. It's just th feeling of never getting bored of seeing th person you love beside you. Even at his worst state. Alright, talk much again. Till then. Tata.

Chapters on

2011-05-12T23:26:00.000+08:00

SHAHILAH

Okay, so this Bitch of mine wants me to update when I'm actualy already lazy to update eversince I'm busy with work. Haha. So yeaa, here you go. So I'm happy for me &bitch cause we finally end up in our own home. But she's okay with Mummy whereas me, not okay. But that's okay. He's not important. Ikno without him there's no me, but whatever it is, I shall not talk about him in this post.

So yea, work has been pretty much fine except that my feet is killing me. I seriously need to go for a massage or go to spa to relax myself. What's more June is coming nd then there will be th June sales. Wahpiang. This one, consperm kaki mau tecabot habis habisan. So yea, I wanna save money for th upcoming sales. Seriously. But then, aiyoo. There's something that I wanna do. I need a vacation. I wanna go overseas. I want this, I want that. No money, got time. Have money, no time. That's okay. Suffer now, enjoy later. Bleargh. Now then I know how hard it is to find money. Ahhh. Can I marry someone rich? Pleaseeee? Nak hidup senang je, cibei. Haha.

Okay, friends ey? So far okay laa. I'm contacting th ones who stays close. Like, some are super irritating with their irritating never ending life story full with problems. Like, cmon. Once in a while you have to enjoy yourself nd stop thinking about your problems for a lil while. Everyone have their own problems, big or small. Chillex.

Relationship? Okay, now I shall say about my problem here after being so happy in th up up post. So yea, I'm trying to be strong in facing it all. Well, this is th longest. So th longest, more obstacles nd hardships. Especially with each other so busy with our work nd stuffs. Well, I guess it's for our own future. Imean, not our as in me &his future, but individual's future. Cause I'm leaving everything to fate. Well, eventhough I might be happy when I'm by his side, it's a lie if I say my heart doesn't break. I've been going through shits nd all. I've been enduring th way pple treat it. He don't need to know, really. But he will know just when I'm thinking about stuffs. A lie again if I say I tell him everything in details. This very first longest relationship I had proved myself that I can actually last with someone. Everyone went through heartbreak nd pple deserve second chances. That's why I've learnt to give nd take at times. Can't be possibly all th time. But then again, love isn't all about winning. It's about giving in. As days goes by, I'm worried that this relationship won't work in th end. Moments when I just want to give up nd let go, then I kept thinking, I've gone through shits, gotten myself into pain nd held on to this for so long, why must I give up so easily? For sure there's some things that we can actually work out. even if they don't, I know I tried. That's a difference.

Being a girl who is simply weak when it comes to love nd boys doesn't mean that girls can be taken advantage of. Frankly speaking, I've cried so many nights, I've laughed all alone, I've done things I never did before. I love my boyf despite his imperfections nd how I know things might not work for us. I miss being in his arms. When he wipes my sweat, my tears, adjust my hair in place, spot any small pimples on my face, smell my hair, poke me nd all. At times I just want to breakdown nd tell him how much I miss us. How much I miss being his princess, being pampered with all th love I want. Being so childish with each other, acting like a whole total grown ups nd laugh about it. I miss those times. I've seen us slowly being apart from each other. Whats more I can't get to meet him like usually I do before I got this job. Meeting him was not an issue before. Nowadays, it can even lead to a fight, sadly. I get this jealousy feeling each time I know my colleagues go home with th presence of th bf/husbands at home. Like, how do I say this. Okay, there's this feeling, that small feeling, whereby I want to be greeted by bf everyday when I get back to work. Vice versa. It's just a small feeling I had. But then, we're still young to think about it. But, it just came naturally. Especially with th limited time that we can get to spend with each other. My off day is one day per week. ND I have to work th rest of th days. Tell me, how do I endure this? It doesn't piss me off, but it just saddens me seeing how both of us suddenly fell apart. I just hope this relationship will have a happy ending, no matter how th ending is. I miss being th top priority when we're together. Everything change in just a blink. Haish.

fifth monthsary.

2011-05-06T00:43:00.004+08:00

SHAHILAH

It's a day late, but anihoes. I wanna wish a happy 5th to my dearest bf, Mons. This is so my longest relationship I had with anyone throughout my 17plus years of living. Okay, so basically he did call me up nd wished. I asked him if he remembers th date &how long, he answered me nd I was touched. Cause he sucks at remembering dates. Last time he didn't even remember nd that makes me super dissapointed with him. So basically over relationship is not as sweet as any other couple's relationship, but we have our very own sweet moments that I will never forget. He's not th one who can be there for me 24/7 but he assures me that he will be there. You know when th situation is very tough nd I really need him by my side? Yes, he will be there. Only that this week, sadly, he wasn't there for me. He knows I went out from th hse, he knows about this nd that. He was dissapointed. That, I know. But as a normal human being, I can't run away from making mistake. Alright, it has always been me. Being patient, suffering from all those, I don't know which woman is strong in facing all those. Should there be any other one who's strong, tell me, show me. I wanna know her heart. How she feel nd how she felt. I'm sure no one can pull through. Nevertheless, I couldn't ask for more. I'm always th one who's patiently waiting. You know, eventhough I love him, separation just sucks. I mean, I've never been in such long relationships nd I'm too afraid this heart will change. I should know what I mean. I pray that everything will be fine nd that God is testing me.

Life? Pretty much th same with work surrounding me. Okay I admit that I'm super tired nd I can't have my weekends for myself, but what to do? I'm already in this working line. So yea, I will try to endure with it. Gain experience nd improve myself. At this age, I must be fit in doing any kind of jobs so I shouldn't complain. Atleast when I get my pay, I can treat myself for being so hardworking. Heheh. So yea, money doesn't fall from th sky. You really have to work hard to even earn $1. Life taught me how hard it is especially living in Singapore.

Okay, I've done something bad. Tried not to go back to where it was, but I was so tempted. It's going to be my last. Ever.

Family? I'm back to my house, well, but I'm not on talking terms with dad. I just don't know. One moment we're okay nd another moment we're not. It's like we have this hatred feeling for each other. I can't stand th sight of him, but I have to. Yaa, family comes first. Especially when you know you can't choose th family you are in. You can't choose your parents nd all, but your parents can choose if they want you or not. But they can't choose how your character is like or how obedient you'll be. Everyone has their own attitude. Stucked up or not. That, we individuals choose how our attitude is going to be like. No one else control. Alright, I'm so going to have my sleep since I'm working in th morning tomorrow. Tata.

suckish

2011-05-01T21:17:00.002+08:00

Alright, it's th first day for a new month. Life hasn't been pretty much good. Work is th only thing in mind. But then, well, I wna check out on certain things. So govt money is out. Two more years for my turn. Hell yea. So I didn't have enough sleep. Feel sleepy, but I can't get myself to sleep. Maybe I've been thinking about too much things lately. Especially with family. Urgh. No parents are right nd no child is perfect, alright.

So I'm going to bathe in a while nd meet my Bitch who is having her migraine. Alaaa tiannnnyeee. Hahaa.

Okay, so it's been 6 days. Tomorrow marks a week. So yea, I'm too dissapointed. I'm too tired. I get totally pissed off. Like, what went wrong this time? I just hate it. To be th one sacrificing in almost everything. Come nd go as you like, stay nd leave like I've got no heart. I hate this kind of situation, seriously. I want to give up, but I've already held on to this th longest. Oh God. Okay, time to bathe.

Amai bday

2011-04-27T00:39:00.002+08:00

Happy 7th Birthday Ammar Mirza. Makin besar makin irritating. Macam nak campak kau dari tingkat sepuloh je. Tapi tanak, tak sampai hati. Haha. So today also my old friend nyer bday. Dayah. Best ey dah lepas ni sume. Sol ah, bile mase aku!?

Okay I'm very busy with work. Once I have my pay already I makesure I want to go massage uh. Cannot tahan lei. But then I gaji I must save well already. Cannot buy unwanted items. Shopping for clothes all I don't find it necessary now cause there's a big sale this June! Woohoo! Best or what. So yea, will have to work but then for sure I'm gonna grab myself some things. Okey, so Isetan will be having a sale this 29th April to 2nd May. Those interested, do come. But for those who will be going to Serangoon outlet, there might be some things that they won't be selling.

Wahh, dah macam promote tempat keje aku je. Bahaha! Okay, I'm supposed to be asleep right now cause I'm working early shift tomorrow. I can't afford to come late again. Twice is enough. I seriously need to wake up earlier than now. All thanks to th driver who is slow uh. Go work, very slow like kurekure. Go back home, very fast like aeroplane. It should be th other way round. Bengaps ahs. Mum just gave me two lipgoss. So yea, I hope it works in helping my lips restore th nutrients. Banyak sangat kene rokok. Baah!

Okay, typing a bit more won't kill right? I wanna share something about bf. I went to th toilet, cause I wanted to pee. Then after I stepped out from th toilet, I look around but bf is not there. Then I look ahead, I saw something like moving from th curtain. I suspect already it's him. I opened, but looking at my height level, skali he was on top cause he climbed th table. Fvck siak make me laugh all th way. Pangai budak kecik siaa seriously. Haha. Cute kan si dekni. Macam nak pijak je die. Haha. After that, we went to eat. Each bought Chicken Rice. I step step lah suruh die tgok blakang, then he told me he's not stupid. He kno already my intention of stealing his kulit ayam. Haha. Dah tu takp, after he finished eating, his turn pulak who wants to steal away my kulit ayam. Kau, berebut sal kulit ayam. Pangai budak2 siah. Orang tengokkan kite je. Cibei uh he. Hahaa. Funny guy. Seriously I laugh laugh laugh all th way thinking about his childish acts. Never fail to make my day. Asshole ah ey. Cb kekek. Fvck ah kay ah nak sleep ah. Nitenite.

p u k i t a i k

2011-04-24T20:04:00.002+08:00

S U M P A H A K U B I N G E T . P U K I T A I K B E T U L .

Aku tak faham dengan orang yang maseh nak main game taik nie. Wahh, seriously siak. Takpe, nari kau biken aku. Lain hari aku biken balik punye. Aku mesti mau return. Heran tak heran ah ape nak jadi, jadi ah. Lu langsi lu mati! Ah cibai ah. Sort siah aku. Ade ke patut aku habis keje nak best2, skali orang berakkan aku. Wah wah wee. Takpe, nari hari kau. Esok lusa belum tentu eh. Okay bagus, kau macam tak besalaa gytu kan? Satu perkataan maaf pun takde. Aku dah tertunggu macam puah chibye. Sial abis ah ni kirekan. Apepe ah, aku lupe, lelaki ego, pompan bodoh. Ah sememangnye memang pompan nie bodoh. Bodoh abis. Dah tawu kite nie dibodohbodohkan, tapi tetap kite masey okaygo. Sial, memang pun pmpn bodoh.

Okay apart from that, let's talk serious stuffs. My current work needs me to work everyday. Only one day off. So orang gile macam aku je yang keje Sunday. Saturday still acceptable. But Sunday? Ahhh gila gila. But still, have to laa. Cause that's what this job require me to do. Tomorrow is my off day. So yea, it's a good thing for me cause I can rest, nd sleep. Well, only if Facebook is not interrupting my mind. Okay so right now I don't have enough money for work. I just topup my ezlink using my last $10. Yes, my last $10. Nd now, I'm left with one pathetic 5cents. Cool shit huh. Today go work no time to eat, break no money to eat, home no mood to eat. Bagus. Hari2 gnie, bole kurus sial aku. Okay. So I guess I will have my rest right now.

You, me &him

2011-04-22T03:40:00.004+08:00

I'm supposed to be asleep right now. But my eyes can't shut so I decided to play th comp. But soon I know I must have my beauty sleep because I'm working! Yes, schoolers are enjoying because it's Good Friday. But I is working. So, no holiday. Nothing. Like sooyalz kan? Okay but nevermind. My leg needs a massage. Like, seriously. If not, bole tecabot. Working in Sales line is super tiring. But it's fun. Yelaa, all job fun laa actually. You only need to adjust nd suit yourself there. As for me, I like it when I get what my customer wants. Eventhou I have to climb like a monkey in th store. But sadly, cannot use hp on th sales ground. Thats why I like to go in th store. Haha. My whole body is damn bloody itchy like idontkno why. Like kena serang dgan segeng of nyamoks. I hate having sensetive skin. Lagi with itchy hands. What do you expect? Later got bekas, eww Idontwant!

Okay, so I get super irritated with my younger sister. Mcam nak jitak kple nye. Nd yes, my whole adik bradik is very pelokek. Nd thats why I follow through. Samesame lokek ah. Abih takkan drg nak lokek abih aku nak baik hati kan? No way.

Okay, bf? Well, we're already parting. Imean, no longer close like how we used to be. Nowadays we meet like, once a week/ once every two weeks? It will be a lie if I say I don't miss him. But then again, it just sucks, alright. Each time when I need someone to be there, listening to my stories, talking for hours, Ikno he's not there. He just, can't. People have been telling me to move on, to find someone better, who can understand me, who can love me. But I love this man. Well, but in every relationship you can't expect everyone to be faithful with each other. Like, I'm still young. Ikno that. Maybe there's still soul searching to be done. Ykno, it's hard to be in my situation. I just don't know how to express it when everyone gets back from work hoping their bf fetching them or at th very least call or text them to say how's their day at work, but I get none. Selfish. It saddens me. But I always look on th bright side of life. Ikno there's always others who will always be there for me. Chits~ My love story is not wonderful. But this has been th best, eventhou it sucks. Ahh, nilai la sendiri.

I miss my babyboy. Sobs. Ikno it's been some time since I last update about him. Well, people say yang pergi usah dikenang. But he didn't come willingly. He didn't go willingly too. Nd I'm not willing to let him go. But, he's no longer there. Alright, Ikno it's my fault. I just hate th thought of it. Ykno at th age of 17 I'm pregnant nd I can't believe it sumpah. I wanna have babies. Cute lil babies. I wna have twins. One boy one girl. Hehe. Imean, not now but I intend to when I marry. Like, not everyone is fortunate to get twins. What more, one boy one girl. I wished I will have twins. But if not, I will have to accept his gift. Nd yes, I do hope I'm able to get pregnant again. I don't want complications. Haish.

Fariz Shahzari, jantung hatiku.

Johor Bahru. ^^

2011-04-17T19:08:00.003+08:00

I just got home from Jb. Okay la I slept around 2 to 2.30. Somewhere around there. Then I don't know since when I was asleep already. After that there's th "O oh she's fire, fire, ohh~" song. Yes, I was layan-ing that song inside my head. I thought it was a dream like that. Then I listened properly, wahh piang ehy! Bf msg siot. Cause I put a special tone for his call/msg. So I know when he is calling or texting. Chronic siul aku. Dgan lincah nye aku bangun.

After that one part again, another song. It's my alarm. It marks 6 in th morning. Woke EhAh up as she's sleeping at my hse but she told me 5 more mins. So I set to 6.10. Baik hati kan aku. Yelaa, main intention also pun nak bangun lambat skali. Lols. So I woke up at 6.30am nd super freezing mcam dekat iglo ah. Cb btul. Seriously. Ferst dah naik sedap with th cold. Skali kluaa toilet, th wind blows, waduhs~ Mcam mintak kne peluk kuat2. Menggigil seluruh tubuhku termasuk gigiku.

Me &EhAh went out from my hse at 7.30am when we're supposed to meet at 7.45am. But ohwell? They said 8am sharp they're gna leave so Yishun to Woodlands is not really a distance for me. So yea, after like 2-3 long years of not stepping out of Singapore, finally! I stepped to Jb. Bahaha! Singapore ICA building I lepas. But at Jb, kena tahan. After that blablabla, th officer gave me chance. He told me to change my picture. Mcam siak, he said, "Awak sedar tak yang awak tu da besar?" I replied, "Tawu lahh". But I have to smile all th way, what to do. Then Mats-Mats Malaysia pulak mintak number. Aiyohs. Imean, their kastam officer. Aku nak maki, takle maki, tgah stuck pat tmpt tuh. Wahseyliao. Senyum jelah. Senyum, takpaya kata apaapa.

Dah lepas, happy siah. Like woah, Malaysia, here I come babeh! So we reached Kampung Temasek. Started off by exploring th tree huts nd th rivers, after that, get to hard work. Yes, real hard work. I've never done such things before in my life. Seriously. We have to throw th fertilisers from below to th pond, which is blocked by a wall of concrete I shall say. Super tiring. After that th rest came out with a plan whereby they will carry up th stacks nd then throw from upstairs. A good idea. So helped out between one another.

So I then go down to step onto th fertilisers nd took out th bag. Last, I used hand. Just imagine, under th hot sun doing th job which th Orang Asli are actually doing, with insects biting you, skin getting tanned, sweaty all over, I can't imagine how really th Orang Asli do it. I feel like fainting due to th hot sun. But I tried to be strong. Then at one part, I couldn't take it anymore. Ikno if I stayed longer, confirm I will faint punya. So went to th shelter nd rest, plus, drink water. It was a learning experience for me. Well, where else do you get to do all those things? Wearing a boot which gloves, under th hot sun doing th fertilisers. Seriously, it was fun. But it was super duper tiring I tell you. Wanted to plant th sweet potatoes nd all, but everyone seems so dead after doing th work nd especially after eating lunch. What do you expect? Barbequed Chicken. Ahh naiks sedap makan, mate pun layu uh. Lagi not enough sleep.

So after that we planned to go to City Square to go shopping nd all, but some wanted to go back straight. So we ate Durian first before we go back to Singapore. Yump2. Durians~ Nd not to forget, at Singapore ICA building, I kena tahan with th officer nd they wanted to check my beg. Yes, like EhAh said, I don't mind. I was smiling nd laughing all over. Yknow why? Cause I dragged EhAh to take th lane where all th cutescutes officers are. Woo. Then EhAh disturbed me all th way. Grr to her. Terri dropped me &Ehah home from Woodlands. Nd yes, this pendek is still kacao-ing me about my pimple. Bleargh~! Pimple pimple pun ada orang nak mintak number, tahu!

Okay dah. So I tak dapat belikan karaoke disc for bf. Cos yala, nvr exchange Malaysia money. So whatever la. Alright, so since I'm going to start my new work tomorrow, which is a Yay for me, I hope everything turned out well. Yes, I hope this work, I can endure. If not, it will be an experience for me. Well, atleast Ikno that I must not depend on others. Work is important. Some more I plan to go Jb again. Teehee. Suka you! This time, Ikno, confirm bf biseng2 mcam siak pnye. Sedangkan Spore nak klua da susa, apetah lagy Msia. Kan senang tinggal dengan aku terus. Haha.

Me &bf okay jela. I just miss spending my time with him. With this new work, I have to plan time well. Ikno I'm gna be super tired nd all, but well, maybe we're gna meet once a week or twice a week? Worst, once a month? Okay, I don't know laa. Will see how my schedule is gna be. With bf, I susaa skit nak hooray hooray here nd there. Well, I never fail to love him despite shits thats happening. Alright, I want to shower nd then sleep. Tmr is first day of work. Huhu. Tata~

Alone

2011-04-16T13:59:00.002+08:00

Okay, so in a while I'm going to have my shower then I'm going out to buy items for my work. Imean, I have to be in black all so I guess I have to buy all those. If not, wahh, no clothes for first day of work. Then from there they will give me th uni. Alright, all th best for me.

Yesterday like finally I hade my McCafe. Thanks to Zul who accompanied me home. Yeaa, had a great time eventhou for a short while. This irritating freak. But he's close with me since I dropped Acad.

I don't know what else to say about my love life. Had a talk with bf. Well, I can assure myself with a percentage of 70% that there's nothing wrong with him. But I guess something is wrong with me. Somehow, I can see myself changing. This nd that. He's becoming more possesive. But I know what lies beneath.

Pissed

2011-04-15T12:47:00.002+08:00

Disagreements. Well, yes I had a misunderstanding with my bestf over this. Because of one post that merely leads to a much more bigger problem. Well, you just have to know this. Doesn't mean we're okay, I have to support your side all th way. I have my own opinion nd perception too. I say what I have to say. I gave my thoughts on it. I don't see all those as being a hypocrite. As in, hating this person but is on her side. Mind you that I'm not on anyone's side. I'm having my own thoughts, I have my own stand. I'm so not following anyone in this story. Both parties have th different set of thinking. Th positive nd th negative, both parties have. It's just that for me, well, for me, really, I don't see it something to make a big issue of. Yes, in other words, let her settle it on her own. It's inside, what do you expect? About Ustazah, yes I appreciate what she had done to me &my friends all this while. But to think of it, I took majority of th blame. So yea, she's merely on my friends side. What's more, I used to have grudges on her, since I was a Ym to Middle Pier to a Senior. Th grudges stays. I have my own reason why. You want fairness? I shall give my say.

So yesterday I went out nd meet my Baby Esai; Yana Sanchyno. So yeaa, slacked with her all but didn't manage to take a photo. By 7 she left. So I stayed with th others. Okay, Small was laughing at me cause she said it's funny seeing th ex-es berpakat. Me &Aroy. Over something. Yes, something yknow. So totally totally pissed off nd I really demand an explanation. Fvck it.

Planned to go Ite Simei yesterday but cancelled. So today by hook or by crook I have to go. Nd I kinda of like irritated by this human being. Dah pukul berape dah nie. Aiyohs~ Okay I shall get myself ready first. Byebye. Ohh ya, after that I wna go Tamp Mac to grab myself a drink. Mc Cafe. Lame tak minum. Ahaaa. Since I alr gaji, skali skale laa. Later duit habis, mau nangis sndri. Ahh takp, once in a while. :)

SUCKS

2011-04-13T20:04:00.002+08:00

People change. Everyone change. I don't know what's my feelings right now. I'm super down. I've been crying for th past hour, unable to do my work. Urgh. Is it because of me or is it because of you? Somehow I feel that there's a change. It just sucks when things don't turn out to be like th way you expected. What's more, when you don't have th strength to pick up your courage. When there's nothing that you can do. All you can do is cry. Yes, cause that seems to be like th only solution for you to release your stress. There's nothing much that you can do. That applies to me. I can't possibly expect things to be so perfect. Cause nothing is perfect. I only thought they were. Like th colours that fills th rainbow, I wished my life is like one. Colourful. Not in darkness.

Seems hard when it's like I don't even know who my bf is. Did he change? Or was it th way that I talked to him made me feel like that? Need I tell him that something's wrong? I don't know what's th reason to all this. I don't know if I can put that trust on him. In relationship I know we need trust. But I can't possibly trust him nd he can't trust me. We've got our reasons to this. At this very moment, I hate th thought that you end th convo just like that. It's not normal. Nothing is normal. I hate th thought of it. I've got no power, what's more I'm not your first priority. It just sucks, totally sucks. Tears, please stop for once can you!?

Privacy Statement

2011-04-12T20:36:00.002+08:00

I've been wanting to let out my feelings. But then, I came across one article nd then I don't wish to let it out here. Well, I'll just keep it to myself nd will talk about it when I'm with bf. Bf called me early then after that I can't get back to sleep. Alright, so yea, sometimes I'm just irritated by th thought of it. Baah! I want to tell bf how bad these days are, but I'm sure he won't understand. People can listen, but they won't know.

I'm afraid my head is not getting any better. I guess I must have a good rest as of now. Like, my sleeping hours needs to be stable so that mry brains can function well. I can't carry on when my brain is like dead halfway. When I'm walking to work, I don't even know which direction to go. All due to sleepiness. Since I'm going to change job soon, this job I like hooray hooray. Okay, not.

Well, I really have to go to Ite Simei soon. Im afraid my plans will all be delayed. That's one thing I hate. Alright, so yea. At times I wished I can have my secondary school life back, followed by my Ite life. I miss being a sore loser last time. Especially when th zaman Minahrep, with th kening botak nd pink in colour time. Woah, I can't believe I went through such lame stages. Zaman Budak Nak Naik. So thats why when now I see pple younger than me doing th same thing I got nothing to say. Cume, time lambat laa. Cause now you see people here nd there searching for job nd all. People will just say Where got time. So it's kinda of shocking when I see th old minah[s] friends of mine having good job or good education. Yaa, all I know thru fb. Cause they will update mah. Lame tak jmp cause lost contact. But no, I don't think there will be a need to get close back. Everyone change. Takkan dah lame tak jmp abih tetibe nak jmp alik bey get close alik? Wahh, tak ke tak tawu malu. Bahaha!

Yes, I really got to admit this that life now is full of money. I mean, not that I'm saying that money buy happiness. No. But without money, you can't survive. Yea, so hopefully this job, I can last I don't want to work for a short while nd having to search for another job. Ahhh lecey you know. But must prepare laa for my work to have old people. I hope I will have a friend down there, atleast to teman me eat nd smoke. Yea, I don't eat alone. So I must drag someone. Will see how it goes yeah.

I'm still stucked in my cooking lesson. I haven't start learning actually. Cause usually by th time I wake up, there's food already. Hahaha. Okay I know this is just an excuse. But I don't want to waste food you know. I know I fat but I don't want to be very fat eat here nd there.

So there's nothing else that I want to update. I wna browse thru pple's blog. Aduhs~ Is everyone so busy cause they never update their blog like me? If only there's someone who will update their blog almost everyday. Wahh, aku paling minat nak bace. Lagi kalau pasal lovelove kan, woots. Suka you! Tapi kalau love story merepek, jgan harap lah nak bace. Bahaha! Okay okay dah makin mengarut.

School reopen eh

2011-04-11T20:21:00.003+08:00

Okay amaciamzxzxz budak2 skolaa? Nari kan school reopen. Imean, for th ITE nd fr th April Intake. Wahh shiok ahh. Best eh dapat skola? Aku dah penat bersekolah. Tgok laa in th later years to come. Dapat duit nd kalau rase rase nak skola, dhen I will go. Will see how. No plans to school as of now. Iknow education is important, but urgh. Cannot take it uh. I hate studying. Since young. Up till now.

So yea, at times I feel like a sucker. But then, I have to live with hiding. I don't know how long can I hide. Well, I hate to think much about it. But I'm afraid other things might come.

So today I will be back home. This week is going to be my last week of enjoying nd all. Bleargh. Enjoy? I don't know what's there to enjoy. Hahaa. Okey, so one of th days this week I will be going back to my old school called ITE COLLEGE EAST which is located at SIMEI. Haa. I'll be going there to take my certificate because my new work needs my cert. So hopefully I'll bump into old friends. Yay! Can't wait. Nd this, hopefully bf will understand. If not, pressure uh how to take my cert. Gosh.

I'm feeling super duper tired. Like seriously. I don't have enough sleep nd I guess maybe it's because I'm thinking too much. Like, you know you can't always expect everything to be perfect. But atleast you try to achieve somewhere near there. I know it's not an easy task to do so. Th main important thing is discipline. Yes, hellova I for sure have to buck up on that.

Well, today my phone dies. There's nothing nd so, I don't have anything to say. I just hate it when everything seems so draggy nd now I don't know what lies next. I'm lying if I were to say I'm strong. But I'm not lying when I say I'm trying to be strong. I tend to give up easily nd breakdown. With me in this kind of state, I don't know how long more should I endure. It never happened to me before nd I'm afraid that there's something wrong with me. I just hope not. I hate it when suddenly it happens. Only Mons knows what I'm talking about. I don't wish to tell anyone else. Nd yeah, I hope things will be fine soon. Nd I miss Mons. I sure do. But I don't know if th feeling stays th same. I've gotta meet Mons nd talk about it all. I'm just afraid. I'm not nd never prepared. What's more, I don't know what are th chances. Gosh. It's killing me deep down. But I try to put up a smile. I know I must not be so ego. What an ugly life.

Different one.

2011-04-10T22:54:00.006+08:00

Alorsondanse! Okay aku happy banget because finally like finally, after a long wait, my phne is alive. So when you asked me what I had been doing these past days, you know I was all along behaving myself. Maybe you won't trust, but that's okay. I understand. But somehow, I don't get you when you said why I'm not like th other girls who gets excited when th bf calls them. Those who forgets about their anger/frustration/moodiness after getting that very call. You said I sounded like as thou I dont care, nd I sounded normal. Do you know nothing is normal? Do you know how bad I have to suffer just to get that very call? Do you know how bad it was when I get out but unable to tell you about my whereabouts? Do you know how much it sucks that Ive been thinking negatively about you? Do you know how happy I was when you text me to call you? Do you know how much Ive been missing you? This, perhaps, you dont know. Yes, you may say that you are busy with your work. I know, you have not forgotten about th incident. When I asked you why did you put me in misery, you answered simply; 4 times. Okey, I get you. It's my fault, but then everything was supposed to be over. We're already back on good terms. Nd you just said; "Maybe those are just words, but my heart aches a whole lot." That's when I have nothing to say. If sorry does not work on you, then what must I do? Ohh well. Nevertheless, I know you acted normal when everything is not right. You tried to sound like th same old you but you failed. I heard th voice. I know th tone. But I hate to solve everything in th phone. Nothing will work. Nevertheless, Im looking forward to meet you. Nd yes, sitting nd hearing each of us talk. But I know th winning side is always on you. Ego. Baah! But its okay. I give in. Cause giving in doesnt mean I lost. So when you told me that this is my first lesson, Im thinking what else is in your mind. Ego but tempting to call eh? Funny guy! Youre missed. Iknow one day youre gna read this thou. Nanty kalau tak fham mcam tu time, aku translatekan okey? Tak pun aku bacekan sbb kau bace lmbt. Hahaa. Okey syg kau ah pantat.

When you asked me why I'm not like th other girls, who gets excited when th bf calls, I just kept quiet. Must I tell you that I'm not like th other girls nd I don't want to be compared to them? I just want to be th only girl who looks at you in a different way, who talks to you in a different tone, who compliments you in a different comment. Can't I?

So it's time for me to story what happened today after sharing about Mons. So yesterday slept around 6 nd wakeup at 10 cause visiting Abang at hospital. Some things happened thou but I dont want to say it out. Let th owner express if she wants too. So yea, after that headed to Singapore Expo. At Expo laaa Mons call. Abg Win had his show done. Awesome performance. Yeay! Then after that had th Amy Search show. Woah. Close up. Amy Search kat depan mate aku je. Dapat pegang tangan die. Mummy pulak dapat amik gambar. Chish! Okay la. Apepe laa. After that we went to Changi to have late dinner. So yea, today Im happy but Im too tired. After uploading pics nd videos, I will have my beauty sleep. Yay! Macam tak pna tido gytu lor. Okey, so tmr will drag myself to work. I have to work lor. Its gna be my last week. Some more I have to find money on my own. Cant always depend on parents, kan? Kalau bf, tak selamenye. I dont want to rely on others. I want to be independant. Insyallah. At times there's th urge of asking my parents money, but then, its just hard. I will have to ask only if Im super desperate. Like, topup ezlink if there's no more money left with me. Thats why I have to work nd plan my money well. Money wise, time wise. Wahh. Skali I jadi gila eh stress pasal ni sume. Aiyoyo. Jauhkan laa. Whatever it is, I have to start saving money. Money come in slowly, but money come out super duper fast. Mati liao. So yeah, gna call it a day soon. Daaaaaa~

Expo.

2011-04-09T22:55:00.002+08:00

Hello wello. Alright, so it's alr 4 days. Woooo. It sucks it sucks it sucks. Oke macam sial rasenye. Kalau kau nak tahu, rasenye sial abis. Okay, wtf lah.

Just now headed to Tamp to shopshop. Bought a lil bit of this nd that. So yeaa, oke laa. Duit pun gone. Cantik. So no contras, so we bought Singapore cigars. Shared between me nd bitch. Then after that Mama nd Ayah Sudin took us from Tamp nd we headed to Singapore Expo cause Kak Nor hve th bridal exhibition thing. Airiel was th bridegroom nd managed to take a pic of him, backstage. Baah! So yea, saw Mak nd Ipah, After that Mickey's Mama. So Mickey will be out this July. Shocking lahh to see th long lost pple. Especially Ipah nd Mak. Ive not seen Mak for years. So yea, had a great time eventhou my legs hurts cause walk here nd there. Sampai orang yang jage entry tegur. Chiish. Nd oh, one part I saw this one guy, I shall not say th name cause Im afraid name salah, but he ever did want to get to know me before. Yelaa, kenal2. But I dont want to entertain. So I was looking at him closely to see if it's him nd I read his mouth, he said to th girl beside him, Tu ex aku. Then that girl looked at me. Wahh, macam tak tawu malu gytu lor. Oke, whatever la. Malas nak layan org pasan. Lol.

After that took bus home nd at Bedok Inter saw Bitch's neighbour. We sat at th back of th bus nd they were talking, so I malas nk dengar cause I dont know her neighbour what. Suddenly Lin got angry nd start to talk loudly saying, "Ape stare2 nd all". Mind you, she's not talking to a teenage girl like us. But to an old makcik. Okay, Ive seen this makcik before nd she had th attitude problem nd stucked up face. Suke nah tgok org atas bawah. Lagi when we dropped off th bus she was staring at my Bitch atas bawah. Wah kanina. She's a makcik nd I dont want to make kecoh2 at pple's hometown so I ignore. Next, this makcik got off th same bustop too nd she fuckingly langgar-ed my bitch. Cut th story short, Bitch told this makcik to open her tudong. Okay, Bitch never encountered this kind of situation. Yalaaa, of all, MAKCIK? Okay dah habis.

Aku masih binget. Dan aku tak tahu nak buat ape. Aku macam nak hyiak dush hyiak dush je kpalenye. Okay, nak main game gnie kan? Sembarang. Mmang aku tatau alasan die ape. Tapi fine. Whatever eh whatever eh. Macam sploh sen takd. Cibei sickbei. Okayla kayla. Aku nak layan perasaan aku dan kne logout ni. Si bitch ni, aiyoh. Okayla bye la bye la.

Durian!

2011-04-08T19:22:00.002+08:00

So I got myself a pair of contact lens. Yipee. Finally. Its purple in colour. So yea, it's th ferst tyme ever Im buying stuffs online. Like, okay laa. Hmm, so im gna update this post. Its gna be a short one. So in a while Im going to get dressed to go town to meet my gf then eat durian. Yay! Happy much? Woo. Padahal kat rumah baru ada durian. Part aku nak, takd. Part aku dah tawu akan dapat sal org nk bli, rumah pun ada. Salah timing uh. Okeyokey. So just watched th magician thing at youtube. Wahh, scary or what. So yea, I wont dare to be any magicians assistant. No matter what. Alright, nak get ready.

Ohh before I end off, I just wna share that my heart is not feeling good. Idontknow why, but suddenly. It just sucks. Im afraid anything will happen. Cause before this I ever had this feelings nd sure thang it do happen. Okay great. I dont want to think anything negative. I just hope things will be fine. Nd yea, even when my phone still dies. Urgh. Okay nak siap. Bitch, wait for me okey?

new job!

2011-04-07T20:48:00.002+08:00

Yipee! I've got th job at Isetan. Yay! Hopefully I will last all day yeah. That means Sunday I have to tuck in early. But I hate th thought that it is at Tampines. Dulu skola naik 969. Skarang kje pun kne naik 969. Aiyoh. It's fast but it's horrible. Cause, it's gna be damn pack lagi in th morning. It's either th schoolers or th workers. Standard. Skali tesempak kawan lame, how? Aiyo, nak tego, tak suke tego. Tak tego, org ckap smbg. Ah biar ah. Whatever it is, th main important thing now is, I wna know if adult can use concession pass or not? If can, I wna apply lahh. Lecey uh every 4 days liddat hve to topup. Cant wait to turn legal then take license then drive car. Wahhh no need for public transport alr. Yeay! If pass alr think of duit minyak. Wahh everything need money. Susah lahh hidup. Aiyaaaaaa~ So no more late nights nd such. Well, I have to make a change nw. Have to focus on th job. Insyallah will last.

Okey so maybe tmr Im going to Bitch hse. I wna collect my contact lens first. Yeah. Then maybe one day too, Im going back to Kakak's hse to take back my things since Im no longer staying there. So yeaa, been missing my bodyshop lotion. Bleargh! I miss Donald Duck too. That gangster. Bahaha! Some more, my AnakAunty nd also my Fifilu. Dedek so action so I malas nak layan. Fifilu still so small. I scared lah she so fragile nak bawak sana sini pun susah. Maybe Im planning to bring Donald Duck out. See how ferst. Have to ask Kakak permission also. So yeaa, Im left with one week to enjoy. Haha! Not enjoy as in relly enjoy laa, but Imean yknow, go out with friends nd such. Cause Im afraid this new job I wont hv much time to go out nd all. Yalaa, everyone who works knows how to manage their time well. But I suck at managing time. So have to work on that. If not, mati. Oh ya. I have to prepare my coffee in th morning later. If now Im drinking coffee before I go to work nd after I get back home, now before I go to work in th morning must drink. Cause usually drink in th afternoon or night. It makes a whole lot of difference yeaaa. Ape aku merepek ni, aiyoh.

Okey, Mons, well, I dont know what else to say alr. Its common to be in this kind of situation but suddenly it doesnt seems to be normal cause we just ended a fight. So yea Im still waiting like I usually do. I dont know how strong Im gna be in facing it all. I really have to be strong. I really have to stay calm in whatever th situation is. So yea, it just gets hard when I need th approval to go here nd there. Not complaining nd all, but if phone dies, then its hard. If phone is alive, its easier for me. Both of us are changing nd I can see that. Well, either good or bad, both of us just change. Challenges after challenges. Obstacles after obstacles. I just have to try to live with th way it is now. I dnt knw what lies ahead of me. Okey, listening to More than words. Well, what are words if they dont mean a thing? Bleargh~. Dalah, nak finish up my work nd then off to home.

rindu please.

2011-04-06T20:12:00.002+08:00

So yesterday EhAh sleptover at my hse. Idontknow why but seems like it's hard for me to go to sleep last night. So I played with her Ipod nd dont know since when I sleep. Then morning, I woke up only to feel somethg not right, like i dont know what it is. I dont want to think anything negatively, but then, well, idontknow? I just hope nothing wrong is going to happen. So yeaaa, atuk is admitted in Singapore General Hospital. One day will be visiting him. But Im not sure when. Hmm. SGH is so far away. Haish. Currently chatting with Rudy. Alersmak. Merepek meraban betul.

Alright, as per usual, th topic that I wna talk about is Mons. Yeayea. So both of us are already okay. So happy lahh! Sheesh. Rindu please! Kau rindu aku tak bay? Hmmmm.. Okey, so date planned was ruined. Due to th unexpected incidents. Nehmind, we'll make up some time soon, okey Mons? I hope this time round there will be no obstacles that is going to take place. I wish you all th best. Sayangsayang. So today phone died. No calls. Boring kan, yes, for me laa. Hmm, what to do? Life is full of waiting. But thats okay. I will wait cause Im sure everything is worth th wait. Insyallah. Kite merancang, Tuhan menentukan. Im not hoping, but Im trying. That's th difference. Okay, so as of now I have to stop doing all those nonsensical things. Idont want to have a bigger arguements with Mons anymore. I guess whatever had taken place is enough already. I dont need two, I just need you.

So Im waiting for my interview results. Hopefully successful. If not, I have to find some other jobs then. Then after that I really have to be committed with work. So no time to slack, hangouts, sleepover much, tonning nd all. Idont even know if Im going to have time for Mons. Ahh, sadly. I just hope so. Will squeeze in time. Some more with th latest thing that's going to take place. Must plan time well. Okay laa. I wna pack my things. Finish work alr. Then meet gemok. Then after that go home sleepp! Ok part sleep tu mcm pham. Step aku nk g tdo siang eh. See how, earliest will be 1 or 2? If not pagy2 butaa. Ahh, kje malam everythng dont care. Cube kalau kje yg mintak bangun siang. Tu baru mintak ampun. Layu je mate. Tido cukup2 pun confirm takle punyaa. Dah biase bgn lmbt. Ahh kayy makin draggy ah cb btul. Kay bye sesape yg bace. Lol.

fourth monthsary

2011-04-05T10:09:00.003+08:00

Tercatat akhirnya hubungan yang paling lama.

Today marks our 4th month. I was looking forward for this day. Cause it marks th longest rshp ever I had with anyone. Sadly, you were angry due to my own actions. Well, Iknow its beyond your expectations cause I did it for th 4th time. You can get angry. But why leave me just like that? I know there's hurt, there's jealousy nd there's dissapointment. But then, everything just sucks. It totally sucks. Jealousy kills everything. Even th moment when I crossed out, you didnt notice. Thats okay. Cause I know everything is my fault. Im just like a criminal pleading guilty nd youre like th judge who is thinking of th worst punishment for me. Well at times it seems like as though I dont know who you are right now. Or, maybe I have not known th real you? Ohh gosh. Im always checking my phne to see if you have alr woken up nd text or call me. But then, I know I cant put hope alr. Cause, its my fault. Yes, my fault. I dont know why Im writing it here when I know I can speak up to you. Im just unsure when will be th next tme I cn get to see you. Im not prepared should you mean what you said. I dont know. You dont even wrap me. Okayokay, I should receive it all. Due to my own actions, now youre dragging it all. It sucks. Simply sucks. You kept shut all th way. Iknow youre angry nd you dont want to talk to me. But to hell with th go with them thingy. What do you take me for? Iknow youre mad, iknow youre angry. But cmon, are you alr like going to give it up? I dont know what else to say. When you ignored, I cried. Nd when I crossed over nd turned to look at you, yes, I cried. I guess I have to stop checking on my phne for now. Nevertheless, I wna thank for th love you showered, th free lectures you gave nd all. I'm praying that this rshp lasts. Well, lets leave it to fate shall we? Eventhou youre angry now, I wanna let you know that youre th only one in my heart. Iloveyou. You never gave up on me. You tried to change those ways. Iknow its hard on you. Its hard on me too. I just hope now you wont be angry for long. Imiss th cheeky you. *sobs*

Setiap insan pasti berubah.

broken

2011-04-04T19:34:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow marks our 4th. But today is not a good day for me. Well, I know youre not happy with th way things are now. But what about my feelings? Iknow you usually cared for others nd not yours. But despite all that, you know Ive been trying to tell you th truth. I dont know why is it hard for you to atleast trust me. Yes, iknow I made wrong moves before. But didnt you say it was th past nd we shall not think about it? Alrght, maybe it's bcos I went to slack with them such that you were mad. Okay, that was my mistake. But Ive never stopped you in going anywhere. Ive never stopped you in meeting your friends nd all. Even when I nag nd such, you still go. But as for me, you dont seem to even want to let me go. Like, even with my Godfam. Haish. I cant settle things in th phne. I seriously hv to meet you. But then, youre just too busy. With th thought that youre angry with me, nd th way you talked to me, ergh. Im a gembeng. Yea, i admit. It just sucks alright. When you say who knows I might regret being with you nd all, I never ever said that I regretted being with you. If I were to regret, do you think I will still hold on to this rshp? Do you think I will still answer your calls, reply to your msg-es or even meet you? I dont think so. If you think Im using you, in what ways? Gosh. Youre afraid that I might take advantage of th trust you gave me. But what trust is there? You know that we need trust in this rshp. Yea, cause I dnt prove to you, thats why you cant trust. But Im trying. I kept thinking what's going to happen next in this. Im just too afraid for th worst scenario. Im not prepared. Twice is enough. I dont need any thrice, or fourth. Please. You know you dnt wnt to gve up. Thats why Im trying my v best. I just dont understand. Youre sekat-ing me real bad. Iknow you care, but at th very least try to understand me. Need I remind you that there's no one else other than you? Need I remind you that I wanna complete those 5? At th very least, 4? Haish. Maybe we still need time to understand each other. But not to underestimate each other. Sorry doesnt works on you, so what else can I do? It feels like as thou I dont know you anymore. Youve terribly change. From someone so sweet to someone so idk. Not that I want to complain, but I want to let it out. Youre still sweet, but your cntrl has taken over charge. Ive been enduring th pains, suffering whole lots of emotions, but Ive never regretted it all. But I just don't understand why you said it all. Your words hurts, I hate it all. I hate to fight with you in th phne nd such. It sucks. You can say a million nd one things about me nd I can say a million nd one things about you. Reason? Cause we're not in front of each other. But when we meet, one speaks, th other shuts, nd next thing you knew, we're okay. Imissyou so badly. Seems like Im losing your focus. I rmbr this one - When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on so long in th first place. It's a quote I took from a reliable source. Eventhou our rshp is not that long, imean seriously long, you know youre th longest. Ive nvr had any rshp that hits 3 mths. But with you, I did. Nd tmr, it hits th 4th. I used to get bored easily. But with you, I dont. I wished you last, till eternity. I used to spit shits out. But with you, I dont. Ive never missed anyone like this before. But with you, I did. I know words may be just words. But I hope you can see with your eyes, may it touches your heart, how much I love you.

April Fool.

2011-04-02T01:04:00.002+08:00

Past hour, it was 1st of April. Which means, April fool. Okay so early morning aku kene fool-ed. Mons called me to inform that he's in th hospital. Aku sungguh telupe yang today April Fool. So I asked whats th reason nd all. In a calm manner. Cause tanak kanchionggg. Hati never sense anything wrong. So endup kena bodohkan. Babi btul. When actually, I planned to fool him. Grr. Melepas. Last fool die tyme malam2, die ckap takpayah nak april fool. Alaahhhh. Tepakse tgu next year laaa.

So just now headed to Bugis with my SuperGirls. So yea, ate at Tong Seng nd after that we all jalan2 at Bugis Junction. Not much plans. Lagy Amy wasnt there. So Eqa was late nd Im unable to meet her. Cause yalaa, have to meet boss. Sorry girls, make it up soon.

Hmm. What else? Ohh. Just now talked to Mons about things nd such. Well, I sooo love his cutie cutie face. Geram! Macam nak potong kpale, masuk dlam helmet beg, bawak gi mane2. Orang fikey helmet, check2 kple. Haha. Alright, so we had a talk nd I confessed about my evil thoughts nd all. So he told me what he liked nd what he dont like about me nd vice versa. Huhu. So now I know eh. Cute pe cute pe! Okay dah, mule merepek pulak. So yea, I've learnt something from you. Maybe you dont like to take th credits nd all cause you know youre just doing your part. But then, thanks again.

Im alr in talking terms with my dad. Yay! Eventhou not like last time, ada jugak convo. Not like th past months whereby we only talk if want to jemput makan. So yea, th reason for all this is bcos I tried not to be so ego. If not I wouldnt want to talk nd all. But I rmbr what Mons said. Well, whatever he said is kept personal. Yelaa, aku tanak nnty org ckap Mons aku ni nak step goodgood ke hape laaa. So biar aku dan die sahaje yang tawu. When I told Mons about this, he was grateful. Ive never seen him thanking HIM so much. I was touched. Seriously I was.

Alright, so I guess Im going to have my beauty sleep now bcos tmr Im going out. Im preparing my scripts nd I hope I wont be so nervous yeaaa. Okay, that's it. Ohh yar, I guess something is wrong with me. I'm afraid. Nd once again, only me nd Mons knows what it is. Well, he's not only my boyf. But my bestf. I couldnt ask for more, right?

end of th mth

2011-03-31T19:46:00.003+08:00

Okay today marks th end for th month of March. Well, there's nothing much that took place. I mean as in major outbreaks nd such. Only that there was a breakup&patch with th bf. Okay, so yea. Tomorrow there's plans to go out with my SuperGirls. Nd on top of that, tmr is April Fools day. Hahaa. Okay, so plan to go out of Yishun area. SO still planning. If tak menjady, then to bad. Will hv to plan some other time.

This Saturday I have an event. Th BP thingy. SO yeah, hopefully everything will go smoothly. Im afraid I mightget nervous talking infront of th pple I dont know. Like, wahh. All eyes will be on me nd my big sister. So Im getting my scripts ready yaww.

Hmm, so tmr I will be sleeping over at Bitch's hse. Ermm, I seriously cant waet to know if I get th Isetan job or not. I seriously need to have a full time job. Cant continue this job all th way. If plan to settle, then must work hard. If plan to play ard, confirm lah I stick to this job. Ton hari2 pun tak pasal. Cause start work at night what. But no, I really have to be stable. I cant continue like this all th way. I have lots of thing that I need to do. Nd yes, it's been ages since I last went shopping. So Im v v jealous with those who have cash with them. Cause even now I have cash with me, I put a stop that I cant spend it. Only I bought cigars. Then fullstop. It itchs to spend th money but I hv to save.

Okay best. Baru ckap psal save, I guess I cant. A few dollars wont kill. Argh. But it kills. Okay takp. Cause tmr will be having lunch with my Supergirls. Thats okay, will have lunch at Tong Seng. So average $5 lah makan plus minum. Eeh, but ezlink. Aiyohh. See, this is what happens when youre using adult ezlink card. Macam siak btul. Potong banyak2. Grr! I cant wait to turn 18 then get license then takpayah susah2 naik public transport then only think of isi minyak only. Wahh hidup step senang. If not Im waiting for my Mons to pass his license then can travel easier. But I tak harapkan sangat. I see how. Cause I dont want to be a trouble. Okay dahh.

So tomorrow my money will be gone. I cant afford to take taxi again if Im outside nd its alr after midnight. Cause later money waste. Best last train or first train. Okay thats it. Singapore is all about money money money. Damn damn damn! Support your ownself aint easy alright. Save here nd there, no shopping time. Work work work. Nak paitau work pun kdang2 sayang. Sick try to make it. But kalau dah duduk dgan org yg tertentu, habis, syaitan menggode. Naik malas. Okay, bad point. So th reason why Im like this is bcos I think I think my agent is overseas. Cause I cant get thru their phone. Cantikk. Nd my pay kena gantung fr th mean time until they are back. Wahseyliao. Macam irrits gytu kan? Okay la. Tepakse la. If dah dapat pay confirm hidup senang skit. Set aside some money to save, topup ppd, topup ezlink. Ohhyar, now my elder sister is using line. Nd my younger mmang use line. So left only me who is using prepaid card. Wahh best nyer gnie. Tak fair tak fair tak fair. Benci krg sume ah. Kalau pasal dulu pun, ttap tak fair. Cause it's like so 2006 since I used line. Nd now kan ade free unlimited sms nye bnd. Tak fair seh. Geram.

Alright, stop with th geram-ing thing. Hmm, I rindu Mons. Rindu banggat. Im hoping what we plan will run smoothly yknow. Idontwish to tell th whole world about it but we'll just wait nd see. Insyallah, everything is in God's hands. Kite merancang, Tuhan yang menentukan. I cant waet for tmr thou. Meet SuperGirls then meet Mons. Yay! I cant wait. So meet him, have to discuss about it thoroughly. Cause th date is coming. So yea, must standby nd get ready. All th best to him. I mean, US. Lol. So yea, Im alr missing him. Yea, th moment we parted, Im starting to miss every single bit of him. Nd I cant wait for another few more days. It marks my longest. Yaaaayyyyy! Happy or what. I miss his smile, his smell nd his cutie cutie gemuk face. Aduhhhh. Tmr please come quick! Baybeyy wa rindu lu!

So Bitch finally hve her first ever touchscrn hp. So yeaaa, all th best lahh godeygodey hp kau. Ghairah kan kau confirm. Kay la, nothing else to update. Chey padahal update mcam dah pnjg gytu. Nd aku pasan, aku update words mau lebih gamba tkd. See how lahh kay. Dulu je besemangat letak gamba. Last jadi pemalas. Huhu. Okay la byeee.

Hopes after hopes

2011-03-30T15:06:00.002+08:00

Two straight nights acting like orang kaye. Duit habis, mau nangis. Okay, so just now went for my 2nd interview at Isetan. Th interview, smp naik kero mate aku. Waduh. But hopefully I will get th job lah. Insyallah. Even if I dont, then Im sticking with ECG first then find nd find any jobs until I get a full time job. Once I get th full time job, I know there will be no more me hanging around late at night or slacking here nd there. Cause I need to have my beauty sleep nd can meet friends nd all at th end of th week. So I hope my plan works.

Touching on th topic of family, well, I really got not much comment to say. I know Im not th good one, th perfect one. Im still being th same me, th stubborn me. I know eventhou after getting myself into trouble nd all, Ive not changed. Easier said than done. I dare not say that I will change. Cause Im afraid th day that I change is when th day Im filled with full of regrets.

Friends. Th ferst thg that came into mind is my EsaiFam. Hell yeah I seriously miss th person I call Secret. Yes, I do miss her. Seems like she's happy with her current life nd her boyf though. Well, I guess Esai doesnt mean anythg to her now. It's okay. Life goes on. EhAh, just be patient alright. I hope that Secret knows how we felt. I wished there's still Esai in her. Nd lastly, Bitch. Will sleepover hopefully soon. I hv a lot of things to do such that Im v busy. Well, meet up soon at your hse nd catch up with our bitching session alright? Lovekau. Nd for th rest of my friends, baah! Sape yang akan bace? Only that, well, I dont say specific names cause I not all of my friends are true friends. Well, there's a reason why they call it friends, bestfriend, good friend or close friend. Okay, so yea. Kawan datang dan pergi. Hanya kawan sejati yang akan setia bersama kita.

Relationship. This is th ferst rshp I had that I dont wanna let go. I just dont know why. Ive learnt so many things from him. Nd what I hope now is for some changes. Alright, one more mistake nd I know everything will be gone. Nd I hate it when pple tend to interfere. Some more yang ada tali. Okay, irrits tau. He made his own decision without me forcing or what okay. Macam dia bodoh sangat pe. Abih tak happy post sana snie. Itu je kau mampu? Saodei. Aku tak start, so aku malas nak bo hebo. Okay back to th main topic. Hmm, I do miss Mons. Th main thg that I miss most is his smile. Teehee. Buruk macam mne pun kau kan Bayyy, aku ttap syg kau. You smile, I smile. Sapp, lagu Justin Bibir. Lol. Okeh, so yeaa. You need tha prove. Im trying. I know it has been my mistake all this while. I know youre always lecturing me everyday nd everytime about my family nd my state now. So yea, I just hope things will get better. I dont know. Will see how, alright?

When you talked to me regarding th 5 stuffs, I dont know what to say when I heard th 5th. Well, lets leave it to fate shall we? Dont plan, nd never plan. At times what you said hit me hard. But I just gotta accept it. Okayy bayyyy. Rindu kau. I wna get ready to go to work later. Will report earlier. SO yea. I guess my post ends here. Toodles.

officially missing you

2011-03-27T03:17:00.002+08:00

I'm penning down my thoughts for th day. When asked since when Ive started writing in that, I dont want to answer your qs. Yes, I avoided that qs. That's my company each time Im missing you. Your phone died, you exchanged memory card just to send me something. I dont know how to express th feeling. It may be nothing to others, but it do mean something to me. I know Im not heading your words nd advice. Im still th same me who is just too naive. You were hurt such that you revenged. I got angry, nd then we reasoned out. Bayyyyy, ASK. You just texted. Im just hoping that there will be light in here. Listening to Hindustan songs. Lagu Hindustan lagy sweet tau, eventhou you dont understand th lyrics. There's th feel.

For EhAh, be strong. You made th choice for your ownself. I'm always there for you. It gets sour when there's no spice to it. You decided to call it off. Boss I ckap; sabar jela. Setiap insan yang jujur dan tabah Insyallah akan diberkati Allah.

Up nd down

2011-03-25T20:28:00.004+08:00

When you told me to meet you at th same spot we met last year, I knew something was not right. I could sense it. Therefore I told myself that I must be prepared for th worst. Alright, when you first said you dont know how to talk about it, my heart was already thumping fast. I knew what you meant. I kept silent throughout th whole talk. Everything seems to collapse. My heart, my world, my everything. Thats when I turned, I didnt hv th courage to face you. Thats when you told me youre going off. I felt like I wanna run to you nd hug you for th last time, but I stayed at my position. You start off th engine, youre leaving. I looked away, I cant afford to see you. I tried to control my tears from flowing. Then you squatted infront of me, asking me to get up. I got up, nd you saw those stubborn tears. Before you left, you gave your last words nd you told me that hopefully there might be a change. I hugged you tightly, I never want to let you go. I was crying when I was hugging you. I know, Im very sensitive. Then I stepped behind, I look into your eyes, I dont know how to explain to th world how your eyes were, how your face were. I dont know how to explain, seriously I dont. But I understand th face, I saw those eyes. You kissed me on th forehead nd you went off. I decided to meet you back because there are some things that I wanted to talk with you. We met at th block where we sat while it was raining heavily last year. You felt hot so we proceeded outside. There, I managed to let it out. Nd you did told me things that I didnt know. Even after th declaration day, I know you didnt declare to me everything. Its like you only declared th wrongdoings stuffs but not th good stuffs. When you told me what youve gotta said, I cant express how happy nd sad I was. Happy because you were truthful. Sad because it was useless now. Then everything was settled. Everything was through. You were sick. Before you head home, you whispered to me. I told you to not talk cause you were sick. I told you to head home. When I received your text, it was th best thing that happened after that tragedy happened. Ahhh bay, you know iloveyousomuch. Things happened for a reason. Every rshp has its own ups nd downs. For sure there's many obstacles that we need to go through. How strong or how weak, it depends on you nd me. There may not be a blessing to us, but what matters, is how we complete this journey.

MonsterLove

2011-03-23T21:23:00.005+08:00

Have I hurt you in any ways such that you want to end th convo fast? I thought that there is no secrets etween th both of us. When I told you th truth, your voice changed. Soon, you want to end th talk. I dont know what to say. Ive een trying my very best to not hide things from you. Im trying to be th best eventhou I know I cant be th best for you. So is it wrong for me to be truthful? Mayb what you said was true. Perhaps we should not tell anything to each other nd keep it as a secret still. But then, we've made a deal remember? It's okay. I know you're in a hard situation right now. But im still waiting for a call from you though. Talk things out nd end th misunderstanding. Nd fr sure, Ive been missing you. I know you tried your very best to get thru me despite th tough situation. Still, ahh. Let this be our secret.

Fariz Shahzari. In my memory, always. Iloveyou.

wakeupcall

2011-03-22T20:25:00.002+08:00

i just painted my nails red cause Im wearing a red top. So I feel like matching it. I reported to work earlier than usual today. At around 4.45pm. Even my agent was shocked. I didnt want to go to work early, but then I kept thinking of th Shopping time this 28 with Ehah. So I cant be buying one or two items. No way man. Thats why I wna work extra hours to earn extra bucks. Nd on top of all that, I have to save money. Thats important. SO I have to set aside a small amount first. So slowly save nd save. I cant possibly spend all nd save nothing. Thats gna be a great loss. Nd Im thinking of cutting down on my cigars. Well, will see how.

Okay, so my plan with ehah is to go shopping this 28 nd go grandlink. Woaaaaaa. I seiously cannot cannot cannot wait. Its been so long since I last went shopping. Grandlink too. But th last I went was with bf. So I told him about going to karaoke nd such. Nd know what? He wants to tag along. I told him not to follow ause it's a girls occassion. He insist on following. When I ask him why, he say later confirm got guys. COnfirm I gatal. Wahseyliao. Tengok. Susah betul tau nie monyet. Ckap lain, buat nyer lain. Hahaha. Tapi aku suke. Last night he called around 5 in th morning. Its been so long since he called or text me in th morning hours. Everything flashback. Rinduu please. Haish. I dont know when we're meeting. Hopefully some time soon. I know he's gna get real busy. Im supporting him from th back in whatever he is doing. I may not quite agree with his lifestyle, but there's nothing I can do about it. I dont have th right to stop him from doing things that he wants to do. Thats life. Girls hv to listen to guys but guys dont listen to girls. mane fair gini.. but he do listen to me at times though. Lucky laa. If not, asek ikot rentak die, where can like that. So Im waiting to meet ehah nd talk things with her. Cause she's th one who knows how my rshp with him is, she's been there nd saw how we are. So it's th best if I talk with her.

So just now chatted with small at fb. SO yea, I know youre gna read this. Well, everything is over between you nd me. I mean, th fights. You dont hv to feel sorry about Aroy thing. Like I told you, he dont make a big impact on me. Maybe it's th trust that I had with you such that you went on with him makes us drifted apart. However, you know life has to go on. You cant possibly cling onto that smethg forever. Like when we were not on good terms, I cant possibly have th thinking that you will come back. Yes, i do miss those times with you. But you know each of us are busy with our own stuffs. Even if we bring back th old memories again, nothing will be like before. Trust me. Cause there's gna be this akwardness in both of us. I went thru stages like this before. Nevertheless, Im there if you need someone to talk to. We may not be as close as before, but youre still my Friend. A friend that ever came into my life nd had memories with me. Much love.

mistake.

2011-03-21T15:07:00.003+08:00

It's a long nd hard journey. I've managed to hold on for these past months. Since last year, there's many things that had already taken place. There's too many mistakes nd too many things that cannot be undone. I know Im stucked in th middle. To go right, I'm losing left. To go left, I'm losing right. It's not easy making any decisions right now. I don't know what's next for me. I'm not expecting my life to be wonderful nd nice. But I wished I was happy. Easy for anyone to say that I can choose to be happy. No one is in my situation to, at th very least, understand me. I guess I just need to open myself up to th outside world, to see th changes nd learn from evrything.

He's been there for me. He knows how to make my day. He knows it when I'm not okay. He's close to me. He's very very close. Th moment we parted, I know I'm starting to miss him. There's this huge guilt in me that I don't know how to overcome it. There's two route that I can choose. But both are very hard route. I don't even know to choose which one. I'm stucked nd still waiting to see which one is th best. I am trying to prepare physically nd mentally. No doubts, there will be obstacles each. It's a matter of how strong I am to go thru it all. How is he going to tell them about now? How do I still face him despite knowing everything is not th same anymore? Those days were great. I was happy, I felt I was lucky. But no, deep down, I know Im not happy. I know Im not lucky. How does it feels when you have to be th one waiting? There's no confirmed timing. No confirmed days. No wakeup call, No goodnight kisses. Only when we meet, can I feel that way. But truth is haunting me. He wants me to change, for th better. Even when he gave me th green light to mix around with pple nd get to know boys, no restrictions for me anymore, I know, he don't mean what he said. Simple, before parting he always have one common thing to say. To sit at home nd no going out, no meeting guys nd such. When I told him Im planning to meet my guy friends, his hands are faster than his mouth. So what does that mean? I'm not expecting him to really mean his words nd let me off easily to yknow, meet pple nd such. Argh. Feel me, just feel me. Try to understand what Ive just said. What does it means? I know such thing won't happen if I didn't make th very first biggest mistake. That first leads me to mistakes after mistakes. People see, they talk. They never shut. That's humans. Never happy to see others happy. Same goes to me. That's why we are called humans. Hard or easy as it might seem, I hv to do smethg about it. At times I feel like crying. I don't know what else to do. Hurt a lil while or hurt a lil longer.

Boy. I miss him. Days passed nd nothing changed. Th feeling stays th same. Th guilt plus th regret. I wished I had let him stayed nd know him just like any mothers knows their child. To regret, it's too late. Maybe if he's still here, my life would be a little bit different. Maybe I will be a bit more committed in th thgs that Im doing. Maybe, maybe not? Th loss is such a painful thing. When I see Fifi, I don't know how to describe th feeling. When I see a newborn, I will think of my son. That's it. That's when I keep thinking of my siblings. Mum always told me to love them nd not to scold them nd such. A simple answer. Why must I love someone else's [her] child, when no one[she] loves my child? But then, it's too late. I still keep grudges.

Dearest Boy

2011-03-18T12:56:00.002+08:00

I've just reached home. Kak Lynn already gave birth to a girl. So in total she have her children as Powerpuff Girls. Nurishah, Nurelyshah nd Nurfifianshah. Kak Lynn even joked that last time th Value$ person called me, Kak Lynn nd Kak Gerl th powerpuff girls. Now pup, she have her very own powerpuff girls. Was looking forward for a boy though. But nehmind. Pemberiaannye.

Okay, now you know what? I really regret giving up my very own child. Yes, my very own child. Th one who didnt even managed to see th world. Not even having th chance to breathe. I'm cruel to not let my child see th world. But is it wrong that I followed nd obeyed my parents to give up this child? I've already given up in trying to hide what I meant by BOY. I don't care already. I love my child more than I ever loved anyone. I love my child more nd everyday, there's this huge regret in me letting him go. I don't care who's gonna read this. Family, friends, outsiders, I dont give a fxck already. If peoople keep on thinking about reputation, it's time I think of MY OWN HEART. How does it feels when you dont want to give up your own child but you have to? I know I could have run away nd such. But then again, I kept thinking, I dont want my child to suffer th same fate as me. I know his very own grandparents hates him. I jolly well know that. I know it was my mistake. I know nothing can change nd turn back th time of not having him. But hell yeah, he's my child. My very own child. Fuck all this. If they had allowed me to let him stay, I will try my very best to support him in any ways I can. I know pple say it's hard to support as a single mum without even marrying. But maybe I can try. Before my surgery day, I wished that she will be th one giving me th support. But no. Th one who is not related to me was th one who gave me th support. I know Ive hurt them by doing all those. But it hurts more to know that my very own parents hate my very own child. I seriously regret giving him up. If only I could turn back th time nd keep him. He's not at fault. he's not to be blamed. Eventhou he's a child out of wedlock, he's clean. So don't criticize him. By ranking up th past nd such, you think Im not hurt? You think I dont give a damn? I may not change my ways, but Ive tried in improving. Maybe I should have just let myself trapped in th dark world where drugs was still my world. But Ive changed nd Ive moved on. Ive stopped. I know there's people who is going to talk about this nd that, but i dont care. You guys are not in my shoes to even feel how I felt. maybe there are some others whose situation is more bad than mine. But Im concentrating on mine. Atleast, I know my form of respect. I may not talk I may not laugh with my own family. But I still do salam to take blessings. I may not be th perfect child, but Im still your child. No matter how bad or how good I am, Im your child. No matter how ugly or pretty I am, Im your child. So take note. No matter where he comes from, wedlock or out of wedlock, HE'S STILL MINE. MY CHILD.

We were living a lie.

2011-03-16T22:23:00.000+08:00

I feel like giving up. I don't know who you're worried about. Th one struggling or th one in there. I know Im being selfish right now. I want you to make a choice. I dont want to be an option. Neither do I want to be th last resort. At times you have to think of my feelings though. You may say there's still a long way to go. I dont know why I reacted that way. I know I should be th one giving you th support nd such. But how long will this go on? How long must I endure till this misery end? Yes, I envy happy couples. I envy th way a man treats his girl well. I wished it was me. I wished I can have th world all to myself. I wished nothing will get into my way. Am I th one who always need to sacrifice my time nd my heart? Am I th one who needs to listen without being prioritized? Must you keep lying? Must you betray my trust? Must you? I dont know what else must I say. I feel like running away. But it's not a solution. Never a solution. There's nothing else that I want to say. Im dissapointed. Utterly dissapointed.

my life aint perfect

2011-03-15T21:00:00.003+08:00

Greetings. Well, these days Ive been quite busy. Once I reach hme, I'll be dead flat. I dnt blog cause my elder sister will be using her lappy until around 2 or 3 in th morning. After having such a long day out there, my eyes couldnt open to endure those morning time to play th comp. So when I'm free nd my eyes are awake, for sure I will be with th comp. Right now, I can see myself developing eyebags. It's a normal thing for me but this time, my eyes are alr hurting. I can't help but to say I've been skipping my sleeps. It's like a routine for me alr but then, it spoils these eyes alr. So yeah, hopefully I will hv my rest.

Right. I can see myself like a paper that is floating on air. Not that I'm happy, but because I have no directions to go. School? Ive stopped. SO there's no reason for me not to work. Work? I got a proposal. But Im thinking of changing job nd get a better job after what th police officer talked to me th other day. Not because I felt challenged, but because what he said was true. Working in this line, nobody knows me. Im not exposed to th world. Yes, I may not like to socialise well with people. But at this age, I must do so. Cause I dnt wnt to regret in th later years having not to socialise well with pple nd sticking to that nd only that. Yes, I can see at times Im like a stranger. There's no sense of belonging in my house. Not that I want to talk bad about my family, no. But I'm expressing what I really feel.

Everything started out because of my fault. Nd yes, being th stubborn me, I pushed th blame to everyone else. I dnt wnt to admit it was my mistake. But then, th mistake I made was to let it go. Firsty, I know being th real me, I longed for it. I do want it. I really do. If I had hold on to it, I know, it will be near me. Very near to me. Since that day, I know I wanted to keep a distance from my very own family. I couldn't accept th fact. I wished nothing had been done. But it's alr too late. I don't like it when pple keep on repeating th same stuffs to me over nd over again. I hv my own brains to think eventhou at times I dnt make full use of it. Th words are alr in mind. SO why keep repeating? That's when I get angry. Being a mother doesn't mean you hv th whole right on me. You may in th outer, but not in th inner. You hv th right to do what you hv to. But please, never insult my heart. You dont hv th right to tell me that Im not supposed to be angry because it was my fault. You dont hv to tell me what's running thru your mind cause I will never tell you mine. You dont hv th right to force me in telling you things I dnt wnt to. I may be your child, but Im not your child you once knew. Yes, Ive changed. Either for th good one or th bad one, Ive changed. You keep asking me about my whereabouts. Im not th same secondary one girl you once knew. Im already turning 18. I know it's not a big fuck being 18. I know I still hv a long way to go. But when you told me youre afraid that there wnt be time for me, how do I feel? I needed you at those early moments. But all you know was your feelings nd being humiliated. But what about me? Th lost, th pain, th suffer, th breakdowns, everything Mum, everything. Do you feel how I felt? No you dont. You know why Im messing myself? Because I cant find myself in your heart. You may say I am in your heart nd you always think of me. But I cant see myself in it. All I see was that youre just being th same person in th early moments, as though you want to let go of me too. I know Im not perfect either. Ive done too many unforgiven mistakes unless I repent. By saying those words might not hv an impact on you, but it do hv an impact on me. Thanks, cause th person whom I thought knows me th best proved me wrong.

Circles of friends. At times I dont know who my real friends are nd who are not. I remember a quote from an old friend. Friends do come nd go. Only true friends stay. ND this I hope, th ones who are still around me will stay nd wnt go away. My years of life wasnt good. Ive gone thru so many shits in life that pple dnt knw. Nd yes, I do tend to keep my personal feelings inside me. But when its time I feel like letting go, I do let go.

Partner. Choosing th right one, well, no one is right. Usually I just tend to be with th wrng one. I knw Im young to go thru relationships stuff nd such. But as a young teenager who needs attention, I do tend to turn to bfs after I feel a loss with my own family. Yes, I was happy. Indeed, very happy. But during th times that Im happy, I do feel hurt. Hurt knowing things might wont work out. Might not last nd such. Knowing that we both had done mistakes nd apologised. Th declaration day was a good start for me. It was very hurting deep down, but Im relieved to know that we're not keeping any secrets from each other. I tried to trust, but I know it's gna take some time. Perhaps, a long time. Th way you make me feel so convinced that our relationship will work out, th way you make me not to worry about what lies ahead but to leave it up to fate, I know, I can rely on you. But then again, there are some things that is running thru my mind that I cant express it to th whole world. Cause it's th secret between us two. Nd yes, everything had alr taken place. It's alr th past. No use ranking up th past. But what hurts, was th present. I nearly want to give up hiding from th truth. But I told myself to give this a chance. Who knows, a miracle might happen? Im leaving it all to fate. I still have a long way to go in life. I dont know whats going to happen tomorrow or th day after. All I know is that as long as Im alive, Im living my lfe as th way it is now. Nd yes, hoping for a miracle to happen though.

true ain't true

2011-03-08T06:03:00.003+08:00

I don't know how to face th cruelty of life. I don't know if I'm strong enuf to go thru all this pain. I'm fighting for my right, but what right do I have? Seriously, my mind kept thinking about th same old thing over nd over again. I'm always trying to strive hard for my goal. I don't know if I can ever reach it. Alright, so you lied. Thanks. I'm going to lie too. Selamat menipu okay! Samesame menipu, samesame belit. At times I just don't know what is it that you're hiding from me. When by right, I should know th truth. But I guess, I hv a point in my dream. Twice nd my heart went beating fast. Is that like you said "mainan syaitan?" Cause you see, it's th same story, different situation. How can it be it's mainan syaitan? I just, urgh. I don't know. It sucks, alright. Although it's just a dream, it might show me hints. Maybe not with th same one. But who knows, different one? Ohh gosh. This, I'm not prepared. Moments when I'm terribly afraid that karma will bite on me. You offered your sweetest promise. Nd I accepted it with open heart. Till you left me catching th promise all alone. Sorry don't cure everything. It's unfair for me. Everything that you do, I accepted eventhou it's awfully bitter. But when it comes to me, there's th restrictions nd such. How? I gave leniancy but me? I'm locked. I just can't imagine what's going to happen next. It's like hiding from th truth. It's clearly stated right in front of pple's eyes, but they just can't see. I don't know why must I have this dream nd this thinking nd this sense. Nd you, you can't sleep peacefully, hv th thinking too nd you tell me what was running thru your mind. Damn it's true. But how do I confess? I don't want to fight over such stuffs. Each time my phone beeps, you'll give me th one kind of face look. So what wrong when I gave th same face when your phone beeps too? It's hurting. It's aching doesn't it? So what should I do now? There's just too much that time could not erase. Even if it could, it won't. Believe me. It should be th past. It should be history. It should mark th end. But it's only th beginning. Must we act out this scene? Must we? At times I do regret for making th first decision. But then, nothing can replace what I felt. It was a hit especially with Boy. I could feel his presence eventhou he's no longer there. I can almost touch him, but he's so far away. I can almost kiss him, but he's nowhere to be seen. Is this life fair enough for me? Is it fair that I hv to go thru th pain deep inside when all others could think was, reputation? No one understands. I don't expect everyone to understand me. I just hope they will respect me by not ranking it all up. Somehow, I do regret letting go. I wished I can make him mine. All mine. But everything is left as memories. Till we meet again one day. Insyallah.

Filled.

2011-03-02T03:01:00.000+08:00

okay, pnat aku melayan ni siti noor amanah. Da gile agaknye kekek sne sni. Mcm org gler ketawe mcm nk mampos. Okay, so im missing my m0nster. Idk why, but as days goes by, its like, our rshp is filled with lots of happiness. Nd dhn, entah la. Its like We cnt b separated. Nd until he did confess he dnt wna lose me. Aww! Terharu or what. Heheh. I suka you! Bt dhn, I dnt knw if its plainly words or what. Well, these days, you cnt trust pple easily. Bt his text th othr day lighten up my day. Seriously. I feel like im flying on air. Distance brings us closer. Th obstacles makes us stronger. Nd nw aftr years of nt falling in love, finally ive fallen to my monster. Yknow whn youre in love nd evrythg seems so perfect? Yes, thats it. Bt somehow, I do worry how long ths rshp is going to last. Cause ive nvr had long rshp b4. Nd yea, th last was with dearest ex. So insyaallah. Im waiting for th gd news to come. Its kinda of bad actually, bt thats one way. Okay, shall nt say much. I dnt wna put high hopes. Only that, he's th one who gave me courage. He's my pillar of strength. I do miss those times. Yea I sure do. Nd then, our rshp have been th talk of th town. Alah, standard uh. Org jealous gtu. So yes dear boy. I fxcking miss you. Ergh.

what a night

2011-02-27T14:49:00.002+08:00

Okay, yesterday went to Bitch's hse then after that me, bitch nd adam headed to pasir ris. Wahpiangehy. Reached home at 2am. Itupun adam dgan ayah continue with th helping off moving things. They reached hme at 7plus. So i slept around 3 plus in th morning. Whooshh. Ngantok. Confident siah aku yang bitch tdo dulu. Hahaaa. Last aku yang gone dulu. takbley carry siot mate. Skali ade wakeup call. 3rd call baru aku angkat. Heheh. Sorry deh. Vibra tak kuat, hp jauh plak tuh. Tak kasi chance siak, 7 lebih daa calling2. Waduh. Last die ckap, 1 ptg kene bangun nd msg die. Wahhh piang. So aku get back to sleep lah. End up 11 plus he texted me alr asking me to wakeup. Prangai monyet kan si dekni. Haaaa. But still, I layan-ed him. So later will be going out. I guess I wna sleep for a while then bangun, mandi nd kluaa. Heheh. Kalau die tawu mesty sort punyaa. Ahh lantak laa. Penat tau aku. Susaa dtang tau si dekni. Mood swing agaknye. Ade ke patot die ckap aku uzor sbab marah2 die. Hahaa. Siak peyh org. Marah je uzor, marah je uzor. Kau pikey klakaa!? Hahr. Beyh si gatal ni gatal semcm. Ade pussy chicks laa. kaninabu. Biken wa panas. Nasib aku mmang panas. barang hot! LOL. okay dah makin mepek aku type. Okay bitch, smalm topic tk hangat. Kite carik topic nk bitch about okay? Eem. Khusyuk nahh tgok cd. Hahaha. Okay chao.

travel

2011-02-26T13:04:00.003+08:00

Today Im going to have a long day. Gna visit atok then Open Table with family. Nd after that, sleepover at Bitch's hse. So yeahh. Im so like gg to sleep late. Going out today means having to miss my Hindustan. Urgh. But nehmind. Hopefully cn watch other Hindustan movie at Bitch's hse. Then Sunday also going out. Woahh. Like busy woman gytu kan. Monday, mayb going back to Redhill. Will see how ferst. Hehes. Alright, anythg I will update when Im at Bedok. But I'll be active at fb mostly. So yea, will update when I hv th tme. Toodles. Lil bro wna use th comp to play games. Irrits. Nie lah susahnye kalau adek kecik2 lagy daa tawu maen computer. GAME LAGY!

KKK

2011-02-25T13:26:00.003+08:00

Stupid pple these days. Step kakak kakak rabak sahaje. Okay la, mmang kenyataan aku masih budak hingos agy, masih mentah uh, tak mcam krg yg daa 20 lebih. Beyh postpost pat fb, pmpn sundal laa, pk aku ni jambu sgt laa, umor aku masih taik lagy nk tunjok belang aku mcm kakak2 laa, nk sepak trajang aku laa, adek2 lagy nk step mcm kakak2 laa, meh snie kakak2 dgn die laa, mentang2 aku pnaa dok dlam pk drg takot uh sbab tu bleyh buat sesuke hati aku laa itu laa ini laa. Mcam merepek kan? Kalau kau kakak kakak sangat, kau tak kan post post pat fb. Kau mesty ada cara pnye org pe btol. Ni tak. Step somebody rabak je nk maraa maraa pat fb. Eh, tu kasi adek aku yg primary one pun die bleh buat. Ckap aku step mne peyh jambu. Daa trang2 aku mmang jambu walaupun tak sejambu mne. Hahaa. I take it as a compliment okay? Lol. Atleast aku tgok diri aku dgan diri kau, diri aku lebih seribu kali ketok uh dari kau. Kau seribu kali lebih pecaa dari aku. Pat wall, ckap tak happy bobual dpan2, tkm maen fb sume. Woahhh. Look who's talking yea!! Padahal die tu yang mcam ya ya post2 nak step fierce rabak jek. Cmon laa, zaman daa belapok uh nak carik pasal. Tak faham aku. Then, gambaa nye. MAK DATUK!! Pecaa nak mampos. Dalah gemok gedempol, snang2 kau kutok org mcam KAU tu yg mne peyh jambu. Aku rase weighing machine pun takbley timbang berat badan kau. No offence uh pade sesiape yg berisi tu, tapi siak uh, ni pmpn lau mcam Nicole Schzinger [aku la tu] atau Jessica Alba tu something. Nie tidak. Mcam Big Momma. Double Chin, ewww. After that muke step cute. Kakak2 pun pandai amek gambaa step cute eh mcam bdak2 pri nd sec? Kasihan deh lo! Ngah besabaa siaa aku. Sume mcam aku pnye salaa gitu. Nie sume otak mati. It takes two hands to clap. Jadi tangan tak kan berbunyi lau sbelaa pihak tak sambot. So aku plak yg dipersalahkan? Wah wah wee. Ini tak bleh jadi niee. Naik meluat tawu tak? Mesty uh sume manusie tak perfect dari segi rupe ke ape ke. So dah tawu gytu, tkm nak mengutuk smpi post pat fb. Kan org lain yg membace pn akan curige nk tawu aku ni sape. Last drg tgok, mesty drg ckap, not bad ape pmpn nie. Lagy lawa dari kau siah. Conferm punyaa. Unless yg same size dgan kau dan yg tak suke perempuan badan sexy macam aku. Ishk. Geram. Kerana itulah, aku boleh puji diri aku sendiri. But who cares kan? Letak laa, aku kluaa dgan si gemok ni pat town. Mesty mesty aku yg org dtang dulu. Bkan die. Bkan nk bangge2 kan diri uh, tapi daa mmang bangge pun. Walaupun aku tak lawa, aku tawu aku sederhane. Tapi kerane ni gemok lahh die sedarkan aku yg aku ni lawa sebenarnye. So bagus lahh. Hahaa. Teruk uh. Meh snie kakak2 dgan kau? Aku tatau ape bnd yg aku buat smpi kau ckap aku nie nk tunjok belang aku mcm kakak2. Well, unless kau tgok care aku mcam kakak2, good laa. Pick up skills okay? Bodoh. Serious shit siakk. Binget siol. Orang umor lain2 mesty pikiran lain2. Jangan ckap aku laa, bdak secondary pun adakalanya lebih matang dri umor aku. So tkbleh disalahkan kalau aku panggil kau adek2, sbab kau yg membuatkan diri kau nampakkan sangat yg kau ni adek2. Kental g post2 pat wall org lain. Mau brani post saje laa pat wall aku, jmp aku tros. Nie tidak. Wahpiangehy. Mcam kaninabuccaocibai. Tkp, aku menanti lepas ni ape yg akan jadi. Stupid asshole. Aku mengaku aku adek2, anak abu, bdak hingos, bdak taik. Sbab tu aku post pat blog dgan fb. Aku tak pna nak anggek aku pna jamah dalam, tak pna nak step fighter rabak. But org dah memuji, aku trime jelah. Kau kan kakak2, so kau g layan perasaan kau sndri suaa. Adek2 tak maen gaduh dgan kakak2 yg ya ya!

So back to my life story. Yesterday went to work then called bitch. Mcam ade insticnt gytu yg suruh call. Betul2 si mambang ni ngah mengamuk sal tk dpat kluaa ke hape ntah. When she picks up th fne, I said with a DAMN LOW RUSTY VOICE : "Hello. Siti Noor Amanah ader?" She was like : "Saper sia nie!?" I asked again "Siti Noor Amanah ader?" She was irritated nd asked : "Saper sia kau!?" I then said : "Kau tak knal aku sape?" She blood high high shoot up in th sky then said : "Plabuto, lau aku daa tawu kau spe aku tk tnye la sial" FREE2 KENE MAKI SIAK ! I then said : "Aku budak paling cute skali" HAHAHA! She was like : "BITCH!" LOL! I sukaa. Last endup bobual dgan nie makcik for 1 hr gytu. Guess what? I managed to cheer her up okay? Baik hati kan aku. Heh. Okay, best pe ngumpat sal org zaman skrg, smpi fb ter-offline for th both of us. Which unables us to chat further. End up commented on her wall, baruuuuu on alik after that. Suspect fb nak stop kte frm ngumpat. Nd bitch, reputation kebabai okay. Hahaha.

So in a while Im going off to sleep cause I ton after work till 9 something in th morning reached hme. After that straightaway played th comp until now, at 3.20pm. So it has been 24 hours since I last slept cause I wokeup at ard 2 to 3 in th aftrnn . Ard thr I guess? So yeaaa. ngantuk, but layankan computer sangat macam gnie laa. Tomorrow am visiting Atok at his hse, then hv open table with family all at idk where. Then, Im heading to Bitch's place! Ahh shit! Cd sume tetgal pat Redhill. Urgh. Tkp2. Nxt tme ku bwak kay bitch? So yeaa, till here. Will update once Im at Bedok. Habis uh, mesty active pat fb. Wireless. Haha! Okay dahh goodnight to me!~

2011-02-18T16:56:00.000+08:00

currently at vivo. had lunch at bugis with terri. so yeah, we ate at swensens. im sitting at th place whr you sat while waiting fr me fr such a long time. i remembered those times. rindu kan? dah lame gtu. bt its okay. i thnk i hv insomnia. these days its hard fr me to slp. been hvng sleepless nd hatred nights. been thnkng abt th same thg. its like a video playbck. it jst flash bck automatically. i dnt knw wht else shud i do. i tried to fake up my smiles. i dnt wna show hw bad it was. ergh. i seriously miss my baby. if nt, im sure he will b right here with me. bt he’s gone. forever. haish. i guess ths is th cruelty of life tht i hv to face. i wna runaway. far far away. bt i knw running wnt solve my prob or return half of my missing piece. it just sucks big time. no one cn ever undrstnd. i wna go to th ladies thn to smke. till here. nd bitch, if youre reading, dnt wery much okie? im gna b fine. will infrm you whn im cming over again. ths tme, aku kne tdo atas ke bwh? hahas. okay, lovekaubitch!

nighty night

2011-02-12T11:01:00.004+08:00

Alright, currently at Bedok, sleepover at dearest bitch's hse. Okay, so text-ed with kakak nd berok. Hehehh. Smalam story happening, ada orang carik pasal sama aku. Wahpiangehy. Kau pikey klakaa? Haha! Nonsense. Ni tgok uh balik Redhill apa jady. Nak kasi name aku meletop agaknye. Mulot pmpn mcam sundal takble tutup, mulot laki lagy teruk. Macam makcik2 quarters. Tpi ni pakcik. Eh, pakcik? Maseh boyboy uh lu. Bnyak bunyik. Scary nak aku smpi ckp jgn smpi nmpk aku kat luaa. Bdh btol. Dah tawu aku duduk mne, silelah dtang. Aku rase bkan kau yg jamah aku, org lain yg jamah kau dulu. Otak mati.

Okay, malas nak talk about si cacat otak ni. Pasal Kakak, msg pnye la bnyk. Baru ku tahu, bkan ku sorang je yang sdg merasekn sebegini. Yesah. Cpat lah outcome. Nary shud b aku stayover lagy kot? Mcam mlas nak alik situ fr th meantime pn ada. Cause ada yg tak perlu uh. Only Kakak[s] ku sahaje yg tawu.

Cant waet fr th 23rd to go out nd buy stuffs. Ohhyar, I badly need a job man. If can, daily pay. If monthly, wahpiang. Nk mampos. Carik keje ade Cpf time dah 20 ke 21 gitu la. Mne tawu bleh kawen ke. Hahaha. Siak betul. Sape yg nk kawen dgan aku. Hahaa. Later at 2 ade dil to pagel hey. So besengkang mate, dabis cite bru nk slip. See how. Layan computer susah liao. Nak klua bilek pun susah. Hahaa. Like that one eh. Okay, blog smakin boring. Bt who cares? Baah!

Bitch, best bitching session? Hahaa. Pagy2 dah ngumpat. Okay, continue bitching nanty kay. KEKEKE. I sukaaa.

Okay, I miss my kid. Haish. Pray safe for you. Muah2!

Buat anda

2011-02-06T22:05:00.002+08:00

Salam buat semua. Hari ini saya gembira walaupun sebelum itu saya sungguh marah. Jika saya ikut perangai saya yang dulu, mungkin saya tidak akan rasa geram sebegini. Tetapi saya pendam disebabkan saya tidak mahu lukakan hati orang itu. Saya berbual di telefon bersama Abang saya dan dia telah menasihati saya. Saya sungguh terharu selepas dia kata sesuatu pada saya tentang Kakak saya. Ya, saya sudah anggap mereka sebagai keluarga saya sendiri. Saya tidak mahu katakan "macam" kerana "macam" ialah sesuatu perkataan yang tidak boleh dinilai. Ibaratkan macam sahaja tapi bukan. Awak semua tentu faham kan maksud saya? Nampaknya, saya lebih bahagia bersama mereka berbanding dengan keluarga saya yang sebenar. Saya selalu bergaduh dengan mereka terutama sekali bapa saya. Malah, saya baru habis bergaduh dengannya. Kerana dia seorang lelaki dan bapa saya, maka itulah saya masih boleh hormat dia walaupun sedikit macam mana sekalipun. Jika saya sudah hilang kehormatan yang masih ada, sudah tentu saya tidak akan mahu mendengar cakapnya walaupun saya tengah marah. Sudah tentu saya akan buat bodoh dan biarkan dia yang mengamuk sendiri. Saya tidak suka jika ada seseorang itu memberitahu saya apa yang harus saya lakukan. Bagi saya, saya sudah besar walaupun umur belum lagi lepas. Saya ada otak untuk berfikir jadi tolonglah, jangan fikir saya masih budak-budak yang baru sahaja mahu meningkat. Saya sudah lalui banyak proces kehidupan di dunia ini. Yang baik mahupun yang buruk. Saya mampu hidup berdikari walaupun saya menetap di tempat yang lain. Apa-apa pun, saya ingin katakan saya sudah bosan duduk di rumah kerana asyik bergaduh. Saya lebih selesa hidup di rumah yang kecil tapi masih hidup sederhana tanpa bergaduh antara satu sama lain. Mungkin akan ada tegur-teguran tapi bagi saya ianya kecil sahaja. Jika awak membaca dan tidak puas, silalah layankan perasaan awak sendiri. Saya sudah penat melayan kerana awak masih belum memahami saya walaupun awak mengenali saya sejak saya dilahirkan. Ibu dan Ayah. Salam.

Update !

2011-02-06T02:24:00.003+08:00

I'm back home. Alright, so my Aunt just passed away on th 2nd Feb. Wanted to visit her that afternoon, but I had plans so it was postponed. But at ard 12am or so mum called me to inform that she had already passed away. Sad story. So just now had th kenduri. So that's why Im here typing. Cause Im home. Bored. Seriously. I can only find th comp as my friend. If I can bring all my friends home, smoke in th house all, wahh. Sapaa kesaa. No cigars allowed in th house cause got small kiddos. My Redhill hse pun gt small kiddos. Lagy small. Smoke okay je. At Yishun th only place that I can smke in th hse is th toilet. Wtf kan? Cause Im th only smoker in th hse. So yelaa. If not, I will smke outside th hse. Pathetic or what!? Nasib badan.

Okay so my relatives said that Im becoming fatter. My reply? "Hati senang" Living a happy life lah konon. Mcam paham. Living in Redhill means a lot to me. There's crisis nd grudges. But secrets are well kept. I dont know how long Im gna stay there. But then, leaving th hse fr one day only, Ive started to miss them all. Then how if I were to leave th house totally? Idontknow. We're already like one big family. 6 pple. Supposed to be 7 including YasinBoy. But bcause he's already inside, so 6. That is th penghuni rumaa. Not including th bdak2 who will come at night nd ton with us, sleep late morning, nd wake up late afternoon. Nd at times, paitao work. Some more there's th presence of my DonaldDuck nd AnakAunty. Then th one coming to be soon, hopefully is a boy. Cant wait for th arrival. Then Alg nd Kak did tell me abt Salim gg out soon nd he will stay with us. Never met him before, but looking forward to. So currently messaging with Alg. This old man huh. Hahah.

End of this mth there will be two event for me nd KakLyn. Which is; Bbq Pit nd also borong2 for household items! I hope February you'll be good to me alright. January sucked me damn bad already. There's gna be a lot of shifting that will take place cause we will be receiving items frm alg's mum. So yea. Gna get busy soon with th decoration of th hse nd all. Im so excited nd so looking forward fr th day to come. Please, I hope everything will be perfectly fine. Im still thinking on which areas to improve on. Then Alg wanted to paint th hse. Wahh. Conferm kecoh siah. Hopefully everything will run smoothly. I dont mind abt th paintings nd all. Let's just focus on th furnitures nd items to buy fr th nxt one mth. This tme, hv to budget real bad. Unless, when Alg alr find th job that he likes nd sticks with it. This old man very th cerewet. Susah dtang liao. Hahaa. Always bully me. Sad stuffs. Okay, I wna make coffee if there is any nd if nt, I wna drink atleast a drink. Eat too much but drink too little. Okay goodbye everyone. Hopefully I will update again tmr.

Ohh yar. Bitch, for sure youre gna read this. So here I am telling you that I am fine, thankyou. Im safe with this family. Not to worry. My mum hv already talked with KakLyn. I know youre worried. But not to worry. If Im free, I will drop by your place alright? But there's something that is stopping me. You should know right. But nvm. Anything just give me a call or leave me a message. Lovekaubitch!

it sucks

2011-02-01T02:36:00.003+08:00

It's already February. January sucks bad time for me. I've been thru a lot of shits for just this one month. So hopefully, Febuary nd th following months wont suck alright? Just imagine in 31 days, too many downs nd too little ups. Grr. Nd hell yeah I can believe that my friend got caught right in front of my eyes, sadly. Nd th house is un-alive since he left. So yea, for sure one day he still hv to sit in thr. But everything happened so suddenly. Eventhou he's super duper irritating, well, he lightens up th house. I controlled my tears when I saw Kak Lyn crying. Then great, in one day, 3 pple kene angkot. Haiyo. But nevertheless, I hate th beginning of 2011 already. So everything sucks for now.

So yeah, basically Im no longer active in going out late nights nd all. Im staying at 2nd hse so yea, I dont find any reason to go out nd all cause I hv company down thr. Some more with either my DonaldDuck or my AnakAunty. Irritating but then, small kids mah. Idontknow la, duduk snie je, dah macam cacing. Nak klua je. But then, entah la? I wna find work soon. Real work. Kaklyn did helped me abt work but th person nvr pick up th phne. Irritating or what. Pegy tanam sudah office phne lu. Geram!

Right now Im downloading songs nd all. So entah la lagu ape ni Tue nak. Then after that must go duplicate key. ^^ Macam terharu gytu lor. Okay dah diam. So Im waiting for news soon nd soon. Ergh! Cepat la Wednesday. KakGerl pun nak dtang. Nak talk dgan die. I wna knoe about updates nd all. In that one week, I wna see what's going to happen. Badi2 pun ada. Waduh.

Alright, life's getting tough. Money's getting tight. That's why hv to find work. Ergh. I hate such things. If only Im a rich girl. Woah. Yes I know money cant buy me happiness. But it can buy me th things that I want. Poor also not happy lei. Aiyaya. Okay I trimmed my hair myself. Tangan gatal kan? Cause along trim his hair ferst. Then I kaypoh kaypoh la. Mandi then go trim. Feel so much better then that bloody thick hair. But I think I want to trim some more. Trim until I happy! Hahaa. Aku rase aku pikey rambot cepat grow dalam sekelip mate kot. Baah!

Okayokay la, I wanna concentrate doing th loading of songs nd reading pple's blog. Heheh. So will update once I feel like updating or hv th time to update. Toodles everyone.

kantoi

2011-01-21T11:27:00.003+08:00

Been out from home and staying with girlf. Alright, so main reason cause Im sick nd tired of fighting stuffs nd such. So yeah, I dont tend to be homeaway for so long. SO will see about that soon.

I pity my girlf cause of her bf. Aiyoh. Chillex okay. Overall, teruk.

Tadi wahhh piang ehyy. Berdegup jantungku. Ni mulut bitch kot kot masin siak. Jangan la, skrg masih manis. Grr. Okay, nak kene werk. Byeeee.

LOCKED.

2011-01-17T20:41:00.002+08:00

Im still at Bitch's house. So just now slept outside cause bitch's door room terlock frm th inside. so yea, everyone mcm th babi. hahaa. it's like ard 1pm to 7pm. lagi weather shiok abes. wooohooo. tdo saodap siok. hahaa. so i woke up nd saw adam doing th door knob. hahaa, life saviour ehyq. kalau taq, aku pun taqtawu macam mane nak alik. ezlink sme kat dlam. so in a while i nak kene mandi then head to home. bsok bitch keje, all th best darling. hehee.

So anakgerl aku pun cabot. Apedah. Haiyo. I need to find werk soon liao. No work no life. Susah deh gnie. Hmmss. Dalah no money. Ade sikit pun nak kene save. Beh how to go shopping? Wekwekwek. I wna buy new shirt, new beg, new shoes, new slippers. Asek bende yang same over nd over again. Naik jelak jugak tgok. Hiishhh.

So Phyllis is helping me out to arrange for an interview tmr. SO yeaa, after I mandi then I call her I guess? Or now? Ntah eh? Tempat pun tatau katne. So like wth. Okayokay. Nak g buat some other stuffs, mandi nd callingcalling.

Rindu si tue, bleargh!

Fun

2011-01-17T03:29:00.003+08:00

Oke, bitch dah off to sleep. Im still having this idiotic flu. Grr. So last night plan to go Rex Cinema to watch Khurafat. But super full liao. So we went to Mt Faber then headed to Laupasat to eat. Huhu. Satay~! So yeah, going back home time, plug in th earpiece nd hear songs full blast. So I sang wahhh, penuh perasaan. Until Adam nd Bitch went down th lorry also I didnt know. I turned then I saw Adam, Bitch nd Mummy looking at me. Paisehhh siol! Then I find out that Bitch record me singing. Wahlawwhey. Nie kalau post pat fb, malu sak. Please eh bitch, no eh. I dont know how many tissues must I use now. Damn, th flu is not getting any better. Shitshit. Running nose, running eyes, can? Grr. fock.

So just now bobual dgan tuan rumah. Itu pun due min saje. Wahpiangehy. Apela nasib. Girlf plak ppd low. Adoi. Mase tedekat nak jmp pun lame lagi. Entah bile. Nd oh, girlf tgal block seblaa bitch je. Cool shit or what. So senang lah kalau gf alek bedok, nd aku pun kat bedok. Mne tau ley meetmeet. Hahaa. But Im sure most of th time at bf hse. Takpe, tak mengape.

Papan now otw alik rumah. In a while nak tutup lapppy. So jyeaaa, nak kne p dapur, amek tissue then sleep. Current tissue dah wet abes. Dah bleh jadi wet tissue. Huahuahua~! Okay, dah 4 in th morning dah. Mate dah rabak, nak sleep. Goodnight semue.

bitching session!

2011-01-16T16:58:00.004+08:00

Okay, last night sleepover at Bitch's house. Before that went to Tpy. So yeh, took 28 to Bedok. Then took 225 to home. Reached at around 12 plus in th morning. After that, watched cite hantu, yag th grudge or whatever you call it, idontknow. Scary also lah. So today th whole family is planning to go to Rex Cinema to watch Khurafat. Ohh yar, yesterday planned to go club but then kena bebel, so yea. Last stayed home. Okay lah tu. Dah lame pun aku tak pegy. So like, tunggu on th legal age bleh? Hahaha. Okay, so th december gitu kan. Wekwekwek~! So, in a while will be going out but i hv to go bathe ferst lah kan. Smalam tdo katel Im in th middle. So nasib la aku taq tendang menendang sesape avaiable kiri kanan aku, bitch nd papan. Ohh, aku dtang umah je sume ckap aku makin kurus. Suke or what! hehee. Best you! Dgar compliment macam gnie hari2 kan best. Woohoooooo~!

last night had bitching session with dearest bitch. wow. best ape. i suke bitch bitch sane sini! bukan ape la ehyq, dulu bitch pun dekat dalam. so bile kat luaa pun lagy best, tdo peluk memeluk sape yg nk p biseng. hahaha ~!

So idontknow what else to say, dah bape hari dah ni si tue ni tak call. Ergh! Binget. But then, i hv to understand. Salah aku jugak kan. Haish. Too tired in this.

moron

2011-01-15T14:51:00.003+08:00

It's horrible. Seriously. Stupid kels. Pangkah siak. Binget gile punyaaa . Macam nak kasi die sebiji . Dah tanak , tanak ah . Nak pakse . Beh nak step nangis . Get a life you bloody mangkok ~!

Okay so later will be going to tan tock seng to see ibu bsar, her condition is critical alr. Haish. Hopefully she can still see th world.

Alright, so this night will be going to bitch house. SO yeahhh, ade mambang2.

Aduh, irritating per. Stucked up. Binget oit binget. Stakat tak angkat jemuran. Grrrr!

Yesterday supposingly settle hal. Hmmph~! So went off to Lengkok ameq brg then jalan, after that waited for BL, smpi aku naek binget. Tros kakak nye dtg. Was with Yaya[bt] , dah macam ape siah kite. So yeaaa.

ducklings

2011-01-12T02:42:00.003+08:00

Okay so I guess my post just now was super short. Yelah, Im only allowed to use for half an hour. So short one. SOrry laa BABYLON. Haha. Rough times pe dgan Adam. Habis uh, nampak gayenye naik public transport uh lpas ni. Eleh, aku bet mesty pata alikpunya. Haha. But whatever it is, aku ttap akan slalu berade di samping kau. Lovekaubitch~!

So got to know or also known as kenalkenal with this one guy. Thanks to BITCH! Nie mesty kau nak credits punya kan, so aku dah selit name kau okay bitch. Huakhuakhuak~! Sangop bdak ni nak bertahan nk chat dgn aku, padehal bsk keje. Nd yes, I caring. Caring is sharing. Tgok, skrg hidup pun sharing. HAHA!

Now ears painpain dah, hear songs. IShk. Ohh yar, webbie with Bitch, nd th WawaPapan. Perasan jubo kan cakap aku memperduakan kau time aku send msg to abg. AHaa. SO yeah, I just get irritated with pple ranking up th past stories. Okay, I know my mistakes. Like, damn. You're not even in my position to say such things. Nd yes, Im always pushing th mistakes to others. Yayaya~~~. Too lazy to talk about this. Will update my personal writing diary to let out my inner feelings, yes.

I just dont know what else I should do. Staying makes me feel insecure. It's like Im having this guilt feeling whereas you seem to not bother much about what took place. Okay, at times I even want somethg bad to happen. Ohh god. I cant be that bad. Damn. I guess I have to still think about this situation. Currently listening to Cassie - Official Girl. Touched me down.

Alright, so I better stop posting. I wna sheesha pictures. There's nothing much to do. Alright, till then.

th bf.

2011-01-11T22:06:00.003+08:00

Okay finally got th chance again. So overnight with Gf. She was sick, pity her. So th bf tepakse klua even mlm2 bute. So after th next day baru dpt spend time dgn th bf. Atlast! Rindu setelah berape lame.

Malas melayan karenah org2. Haiyoh. Idontknow what to say alr about fam. Okay I gtg alr. Update soon.

Blabbers

2011-01-08T11:38:00.002+08:00

Irritated. Sumpahhh! Anak orang aku nak kene jage ke hape!? Plahotak betul. Yes, darah daging, so what? Part aku, ~!@#$%^&*()!!! Fucking shit lah. Sampai aku tepekek. GERAM SAK!

Seriously there's no life for me. Slacking at home doing nothing much. Rotted at home is th last thing I ever want to do. But then, ishk. What to do man! Smalam no news. Irritating uh. What a life man. 2011 just sucks for me.

Okay, sickening. Today's post is all about bragging alright. Knnbccb. I havent bathe, ptg jelah baru. Skrg malas. Seriously aku punye mood tak baik. Nasib computer buat baik dgan aku. Baah!

Unknowingly to you, I did wrote part of our conversations at papers nd a book. I kept it for such a long time. When I read back, I feel that I am really such a sucker. I wasted my chance when I am with you. I did things without thinking about your feelings. Yes, I was selfish. Selfish enough to ruin our relationship. I regret and I even wished that I can turn back th time to amend my mistakes. Maybe it won't bother you anymore cause you had already moved on with life long time ago. Th years kept haunting me and I know there's nothing that can get us together once more. Nevertheless, I just want to express my regret on how sorry I was th last time. I admit that I was being awfully childish. You were strong enough to hold on to me. But I was too naive such that I let go of you without thinking how bad I have to suffer later. It sucks totally. Im sorry for what I had done to you. You may forget about what took place, but I will still remember all those. I was a bad girlfriend. But just to note that no matter what, you were th best boyfriend I ever had. No one can ever change it. I pray that you are happy with your loved ones, even though I longed that it's me whom you are happy with. Th best things in life cant be seen with our naked eyes. We only realise how precious it is once we lost it. Just like how I lost you. Given another chance, I will treasure that very chance. I will prove to you that Im not th childish girl you knew years ago. I wanna prove to you that Im th matured lady who have grown over th years. Life had never been better ever since you were away. I blew my chance when I was with you. I'll cherish th moments we had together. All th best in everything that you do. May you be blessed nd be happy, like you always do. I've been missing you so badly these past years. Nd Im still loving you like how I used to on th very first start of our meet up. Th love at th very ferst sight. Iloveyou, Dearest Ex. Nd that's what I want to share with you nd th rest of th world, but I have no strength to do so. Especially when youre no longer mine. Once again, Im sorry. Especially when I hurt you long ago. Forgive me. Im sorry. I wish you will hv th chance to read this piece of mine. Listenig to our song currently.

th shits

2011-01-07T22:02:00.002+08:00

Alright, so this is my chance that I got to play with th comp. Ahah. Okay, hopefully for th next two days also yeah. So it's like nearly two weeks that I didnt go out nd such. Boring or what.

2011 is so sucky for me. Alright, bf slalu contact time aku nie macam sleeping beauty. -______-"

Okay, I need to find work soon. Hidup gnie susah siah. Pokai rabak. Grrr!

So currently chatting with Dearest Small.

I've been trying to put up a smile in front of everyone, tryong to avoid th question on how I feel. No one will ever understand my situation. I really felt touched when th person told me to be strong nd comfort me. Cause no one comfortes me. As in, yes, maybe she's just doing her job. But that touches me th most. Cause I need th support from someone else, but no. Someone else came thru. But that's okay. I guess I hv to be strong alright. Things happen for a reason. Nd yes, friends will be thr. Bf can tell me to be strong. But no one, no one is going thru my situation unless, those who get involved in this situation. Nd Im sorry for letting you go. I know I didnt give you a chance, but then, but then. It's hard.

my dream is to fly .

2011-01-02T21:38:00.003+08:00

Okay, I dreamt of Dearest Ex last night. Okay, talked otf with bf early morning. So yeah, I think this post will be a short one cause Im only given half an hour to play with th comp. Okay la, jadi jugak. Now left with ten minutes. So tmr is confirmed that Im meeting that idiot.

Plan on th 5th go meet bf but not sure how things will go. I need rest hor. Ohh gosh. Ape la nasib. So yea, I hv to start finding work. No money susah liao. Urghhh.

Okay, Im not prepared for this 4th. Seriously. Haish. I wanna cry, I wanna let out my feelings to someone. But, who will understand my situation? How will she feel if she have to go thru my process. Haish. Yelaa, salah aku. Salah aku. Haish.... Family's separating. Okay, gtg now. Toodles.

NEW YEAR!

2011-01-01T01:29:00.003+08:00

Happy New Year everyone. So it's th start of 2011. I was looking forward for this year before, bt not now. Gosh. So I celebrated my New year at home, with th laptop as my friend. So when th clock strikes 12am, I was watching Kumar's Comedy at youtube. So yea, since there's nothing much to do, I guess I wanna do questions like yknow, to find out more abt yourself or like, how do I say, truth about you. hehh.

ABC About You Questions

A - AVAILABLE: Yes. :)

B – BIRTHDAY: 21st December 1993

C - CRUSHING ON: Z. [More to love]

D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: My Orange Sucky Medicine Water.

E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Papa.

F - FAVORITE SONG: Erhmmm, too many to mention.

G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Gummy Bears.

I - IN LOVE WITH: Z. <3

K - KILLED SOMEONE: Nope.

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Singapore to Msia.

M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Chocolate.

N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 4.

O - ONE WISH: Time Machine.

P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: EhAh dearest.

R - REASON TO SMILE: Friends. Small kiddos.

S - SONG YOU LAST SANG: AirMata Ibu. :(

T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: idontknow?

U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: Yellow.

V - VEGETABLE(S): Yucks.

W - WORST HABIT: Lyingg continuosly.

X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: None.

Y - YOYOS ARE: cute.

Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Saggitarius.

Random Questions About You

Spell your name without vowels: Nrnblh Bt Mhmmd Shh.

Your favorite number: 15.

What color do you wear most?: idontknow?

Least favorite colors?: None.

What are you listening to?: AirMata Ibu.

Are you happy with your life right now?: NO. Too many challenges in too little time.

What is your favorite class in school?: Malay.

Who is your best friend?: Bitch. Mr. EhAh. Secret. Baby.

When do you start back at school/college?: no more schling.

Are you outgoing?: When th other party nd me can get along well, yes.

Favorite pair of shoes?: None.

Can you Dance?: Hahahaaaa. Wna see me dance??

Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: Urh, noo.

Can you whistle?: nahh.

Cross your eyes?: Yes.

Walk with your toes curled?: *garok kepale*

THE DO'S

Do you believe there is life on other planets?: 50/50.

Do you believe in miracles?: At times.

Do you believe in magic?: No. Lies.

Love at first sight?: Yes for sure.

Do you believe in Santa?: No.

Do you know how to swim?: Nope.

Do you like roller coasters?: Never ride one.

Do you think you could handle the stuff they put in their stomachs on those reality shows?: No.

Have you ever been on a plane?: never.

Have you ever asked someone out?: Ya.

Have you ever been asked out by someone?: Uhuh.

Have you ever been to the ocean?: Pacific Ocean/ Indian Ocean? No.

Have you ever painted your nails?: Yesyes!

THE WHATS

What is the temperature outside?: Normal, i guess?

What radio station do you listen to? : Almost all. WHen th DJ talks, I'll change channel.

What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Mac. Restoran jugak kan? ^^

What was the last thing you bought?: mcchicken meal.

What was the last thing on TV you watched?: barbie.

Who was the last person you took a picture of?: My sister.

Who did you last webcam with?: Mister. So long ago.

Who was the last person you said I love you to?: Ahhhhhh.

CRYING SECTION

Ever really cried your heart out?: Yes.

Ever cried yourself to sleep?: Yes.

Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: Yes.

Ever cried over the opposite sex?: Yes.

Do you cry when you get an injury?: Depends.

Do certain songs make you cry?: Yes.

HAPPY SECTION

Are you a happy person?: Nope.

What is your current hair color?: RedBlack.

CURRENTLY WEARING

What shirt are you wearing?: Northland Npcc Shirt.

Pants?: Pink Pants.

Shoes?: Nope.

Necklaces?: Nope.

Underwear?: DDDURRRHHH!

IN A BOY/GIRL

Favorite eye color: Brown eyes or Blue Eyes.

Short or long hair: Short.

Height: Taller.

HAVE YOU EVER

Been to jail: Somewhere below there.

Mooned someone: bleargh.

Laughed so hard you cried: Yupp.

Cried in school: Yea.

Wanted to be a model: Hahaa. Yes.

Done something really stupid that you still laugh about: Yupp.

Seen a dead body: Uhuh. Funerals.

Been on drugs: Long time agooooooooo.

Gone skinny dipping: What th hell is this mannnn?

THIS OR THAT

Pepsi or Coke: Coke.

Single or Group Dates: Single dates.

Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate.

Strawberries or Blueberries: Strawberries.

Meat or Veggies: Meat.

TV or Movie: Movie.

Guitar or Drums: Guitar.

Adidas or Nike: Adidas.

Chinese or Mexican: Mexican.

Cheerios or Corn Flakes: CornF.

Name one random thing about myself: I'm fat.

Countdown,

2010-12-31T19:58:00.003+08:00

In a while Im going out, maybe to downtown. If not, just slack at home. Alright, life has been okay. Still didnt meet that idiot cause there's no time. Alright, super sickening. So now even I dont know what to do. I havent bathe, there's still some time I guess. BleargH! So yea, right now there's Barbie at Okto. Wanted to watch but then, choosed to play th comp. Then after thiss, will shower. Nyet!

Alright, as of now, Im trying my very best to be strong. Yes, who knows after this there might not be any other chance for me? Oh Gosh. Hopefully there's nothing wrong. I dont want anything that will go wrong. Oh dear, pray for my safety.

Fxck, I dont think Im going out today. Selalu ade last minute punye plan siak! Parents are working nd no one is taking care of th small kiddos. So, it's my duty to take care of them. Bencibenci. Tawu part aku nak biseng, skrg aku jage ni bdak kecik pun dah cukup bagus okay. Lagi nak memekak sane sini. Countdown aku stucked kat rumah!? AHHHHH! Tak pecaye gitu kan. Sun alep dal. Sumpah irritating, sumpah binget. Nie ke kehidupan aku. Wahhhhhhhhh. Nak nangis! Dah plan, last macam siak. Plapuki. Grrrrrr!!

So tell me, after two years celebrating inside, now when I hv th chance to celebrate it outside, Im like, STUCKED AT HOME!? Arghhhh~! I simply cannot accept th fact. Okay, sesape yang sudi nak naik rumah aku, please datang. Im open right now. I bet anyone will come. Cause, everyone is like celebrating outside. Sedey bulu. Seriously. Apela nasib!!

Ready?

2010-12-30T18:36:00.003+08:00

Yesterday went to hospital again. Was at hosp from 1pm to 7pm. Gosh. Then after that headed to Bugis to meet my dearest SuperGirls. All was there, except for Eqa cause her counsellor just passed away. So yeah, it's okay. Hopefully we get to hang out soon some other days alright. SO yea, headed to Arab St with Murnie. Then after that they suprised me with th present, after that with th cake. It was so sweet of them. Was really touched. Then they sang me a birthday song, not only them, th other pple down there sang along too. Woooo. Like superstar lah konon. Star karat. Baah! Overall, I had fun with them. Thanks korang for making my day a great one. That was th moment when I laughed my ass off after heartbreaking moments.

So in a while Im going to bathe nd then go out. Meeting someone. Tolong lah, ringankan skit beban aku nd takmo jadi irritating. Hiisshhhh! Please eh.

So tomorrow countdown. Idontknow where to go nd all. Like, this year not much plan. I dont knoww what to do right now. Should I go for countdown? Macam malas pun ade, but then, entah eh? Okay, havent make up my mind. Lagi this year teruk, no money. SO macam ape pulak. Siannnnn~! Next year must find work. Cant continue living like this. Nd yeah, tmr results kluaaa. So, wish me luck. I dont expect to pass with flying colours. Atleast, I just pass nd able to graduate.

So th date is set, 4th January 2011. I hope everything will run smoothly. Haish. So yea, not ready but I have to. Nak buat macam mane lagi kan? Haish. Okay, si bodoh ni baru je msg, cancel tak jadi jumpe nari, so we meeting tomorrow. Alright then. So either nari aku stay home rest atau merayap. Entah lah.

Bf pun pagipagi bute msg aku, so lepas tu suruh call, die tak call. Mampos. Nie la orang. Susah datang kalau dah agree to crazy things. Grr. Idontknow eh what else to do. Sickening. Sumpah jiwe aku tak tenteram. Feel like letting all go. Nothing that I can think of. Am I too naive? Oh God. I need space, I feel like going somewhere to rest my corrupted mind. Hadoii. Apela nasib.

I guess I just need a companion. Nd if I can choose, it will be him. But I just cant speak up. Blearghhh! Entah uh, I dont know what else to update. Okay dah bye.

Judgement day

2010-12-28T18:14:00.002+08:00

Today turned out to be so sucky for me. Im super dissapointed in myself nd there's no words that can describe my feelings. Furthermore, th pressure my parents out on me are even more stressing. I need time to relax. You guys arent th one going thru this shit. It's me for goodness sake. Atleast think of th stress I hv to go thru. Nd after this, depression? Idontknow. It's stressing. Seriously it is. I'm sorry, cause I hv to let you go. If given a chance, I wna let you stay. But do I hv a choice? No I dont. Even my parents wants you to go. Haish. It's really stressing on me. Ive got no one else to turn to. My mum pressure's me on this, my dad dont want to talk to me bcos I dont want to discuss things with him. I wanna talk to someone, but I dont have th courage to do so. I think it's time for me to turn to HIM. Ive been ignoring him, disobey him nd such. My life is in such a mess when Im away from him. Im not ready to pray again, but insyaAllah. It's not like I wna be like this forever, but maybe one fine day when Im ready? I dont know. I dont want to come back when it's like Im in difficulty. Cause when Im enjoying, I forget about him. But when Im in trouble, I turn to him. It's so sucky.

Dear Ibu&Ayah, Angah mintak maaf sbab Angah tak dapat menjadi anak yang terbaik. Mungkin ini silap Angah kerane berjauhan dgan Tuhan. Mungkin disebabkan Angah terlalu leka dgan dunia yang fana. Tapi sebagai manusie biase, Angah tak boleh lari dari kesilapan. Kalau boleh, Angah nak. Tapi, Ibu&Ayah taknak. Tapi Angah akur. Ini semua salahku.

Nd for you, being with you was a hit. I'll always love you dearest no matter what is going to happen cause youre my ferst. Im sorry cause I hv to let you go. When I see your picture, I wna cry bad. But I controlled. But right now, Im crying. Seriously, no words can describe my feeling when I see your picture. It's just that, th natural feeling came. But, goodbye dearest. Till we meet again. :(

around spore.

2010-12-27T22:14:00.003+08:00

So today Laki came to my hse, nd in th night Sery came. Brought Amai nd Iman to th playgrd eventhou I havent bathed. Ahaa~!

Alright, yesterday went to Town, then to Esplanade nd then to East Coast Park with family. Only Along&Nisah didnt tag along. Okay, so didnt walked much, stayed mainly in th car. Alright, at town there's foam, woahh. Feeling2 countdown. Talking about countdown, there's no plan to it. I dont know if Im going or not. Haiyo. So many things to do. Then countdown eh? Seriously, I just dont know where to go nd with who.

So, tomorrow I hv two plans; go poly nd interview at Resort World. So, Im not sure if I wna go poly bcos it's like, morning then so th lecey. I just hate to wait for th doctor, then after much checkup, gv mediciness nd mcs if available. So like wth kan. Ahhh. Later hv to jemor th kain baju.

Currently on th phne with Sery, her bf asked for break again. Urghhhh~! What I hate is, she calls me, nd I hv to hear her sorrows. But then, what can I do? Idontknow mannn. I can only listen, but I cant help. It's his choice my dear. Talk things out, idontknow what else can I say. Alright, enjoy.

th journey

2010-12-26T16:56:00.003+08:00

Woke up early morning yesterday. Trained down from one end to th other end standing up. So in total I was standing up for one nd a half hr. Grrr~! Lucky you I was feeling okay. So no sorry were being said, walked all th way to field. Watched them playing soccer. For seeing you fell, getting sick, picking yourself up nd me having to lie, it's all worth th day. Seriously. I went to th toilet nd missed th chance seeing you fighting with th referee, until your brother got involved with it too. Until police had to come down. Luckily you didnt lay your hands on th referee. Your brother too. If not, I dont know what's next for th both of you. Then, ambulance was called up bcause your another brother fainted. Everyone went to th hospital. Afterwards, while waiting, we went to qs nd walked all th way. After much walking nd all, came back to th hospital nd grabbed some snacks. Th kids favourite me. All th way they wna stick with me. They even said Im like their mum. Hahaa! So I asked them who is their dad, they said their dad died. Funny kiddos. Went back to send your brother home, then we slacked. It was raining v heavily in th night. Lucky everyone settled down before it rains. After that, headed home. Reached home, slept while waiting for you to text. When you texted, called you nd we talked on th phone. Last, you were asleep. I think I hv a nice voice until you fell asleep. Heh! So you did apologise. Luckily you didnt sleep for sucha long time. If not, I'll just put down th phone. Hahaha. Your first time eh, talking on th phone for sucha long time. Gheesh. Alright alright.

Today my stomache doesnt seem so good. I think it's bcause of my improper eating nd too much of smoking, I guess? But seriously, I hv not been eating well. Ive lost my appetite at times like idontknow why. At times it's bcos of not enuf cash ard. My fault for going out always till late night until I didnt give my ownself energy to boost. So when Im hungry, I came back home when it's alr too late cause my stomache daa masok angin. So when I look at th food, it looks disgusting to me nd I feel like puking. Seriously. I think I need to keep a healthy diet, without any veggies please, nd then eat at th right timing. I'm always eating either once a day, or too much for a day. Hahaa.

Alright, I dont know how else do I declare. Urgh~! It's something that I always do but it's not something that I'm doing right now. As in, I'm hiding from th truth alright. It's bad, it's been haunting me, but then, Im th one who choosed to live this route. If not, I guess I wouldnt be in this beautiful mess. I dont know how long must I hide th truth. I guess when th time is right then I'll declare? Idontknow mannn. Let's see if I can atleast survive for a month or two. Atleast, let's give it six months. When reached, I'll open up. Or most prob one year? Okay, fickle minded. Baah~! Will see how it goes. ONLY IF, I survive.

Th heart

2010-12-23T20:42:00.002+08:00

At home, with cuzzie, Sery. So pity her for having th bad news out of a sudden. Chillex okay? I feel you.

Alright, so yesterday nd today, no calls. So where have you been? Home tatooing eh? Haish. Nasib badan. Just hope my luck wont be like cousin's. Just, afraid. Urgh. Hate this kind of feeling.

Meeting PapaL this Saturday. Early morning at around 10plus. Mampos. Kalau dekat, takpe. Nie hujung tanjong ke hujung tanjong. Hadoi. Terpakse la. Bcause he have tornament so I have to go down to pass th shirt. So I hv to like, wake up early in th morning!? Grrrrrr~~! Takp laa, my fault for accidentally bring back yours. So endup, I hv to travel down. Afterwards, plan to meet Secret, so yea. Hopefully Saturday come fast, so I wont be in a trouble of keeping Papa's shirt. Mesty mengantok. Jangan tetdo sudaahhhh. Which means; Friday no Tonning.

Alright, anything will updateeeee.

My day.

2010-12-21T18:53:00.002+08:00

Alright, MakanMakan with family just now at CP. So I ate Nasi Goreng Seafood. Yumyum. But I wanted moree. Like, Mee Soto, Tomyam Soup, ahhhhhh!! Too many to mention. Feel like ordering all th food down there. Ahaa! Then afterwards sent Nisah to bustop cause she's going to work, then we walked around. Mum bought a cake for me. Yipee~! Eventhou it's a small one, but still, i dont mind. It's th thought that counts. So I have new slippers for me. Yea. Th black one is out of stock so, got th pink one. Eww, but yeaa. Jadilah.

PapaL called at around 2.40pm. I was in th shower. Called back 20mins later, but he's with **. Alright, what to do. 20mins late also dah gone. Sobs. In one week's time then we get to meet up, I guess? Idk. See how eh.

Tomorrow night I should be going off to Tab. But then, idontknow. I got th guestlist, hell yeah. Then th following day free entry to Powerhse. But Im having second thoughts. Should I go or should I not? Hmm.

So she made th ferstmove to say sorry nd talk things out. Great. So things between me nd her, all over. Now th Guy's turn. Seriously, I still dont agree with his ways alright. Step fanatic. Grr. Dalah dulu aku yang keluarkan duit sume. Jantan takd hasil. Ishk. Okay, so now I'm going to post outdated pictures.

Thanks all for th wishes~!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2010-12-21T00:08:00.002+08:00

Yipee~! It's th 21st December 2010! Which means; HAPPY SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAY TO ME! Finally! This day has come. So, one more year to go before I pass th legal age. Heheh. So yea, even before 12am my phone already rings. Thankyou all for wishing.

Okay, birthday pun dapat free nagging eh. Hahah. So basically Ayah told me today we're going for makanmakan! Yipee! Tak sabar! Kenyang jugak nanty perot aku. Whee~!

Okay, Ive downloaded th song that PapaL wanted; Puaskah by Wali Band. Okay, so hopefully he won't biseng2 asking around if anyone have th song. So yea. I only get to know about th song converter. Hahaa!

Okay, so many pple wishing me. I feel so th like, hotstuff!? Hahaha. Okay, replying pple soon nd yeaa, converting more songs since I alr know how to do it. Sheesh!

life's like that

2010-12-20T11:48:00.002+08:00

Right, yesterday went to Terri's hse. Walked ard Bedok area like two idiots; me nd ehah. Reached at 12pm but we reached Terri's hse at 1pm. Like wth kan? It's all because of th unclear directions nd we went th wrong way. Gosh. Alright, so endup we took a cab there. So we ate nd chit chat. Last, Cake time! Yipee! From Awfully Chocolate. Yummy. Delicioso! Hahaa.

After that me nd ehah went to Mummy's hse, I played th comp nd I saw th fucking couples talking about me. Wahh. Menyirap sak darah. I gave them no chance, I spit all back, endup today when I log in, woah. Th guy deleted me from his fb. Tak ke kental name nye. Nampak sangat kau goyang. Hahaha! Seriously, mmg kental uh post pt fb. So what? Aku msg sume tanak reply, couple pukimak ni. So too bad lor. Have to share with th whole world how I feel. Haha!

Then night meet up with PapaLove. So yeah, told him th story abt th fucking couples. Didnt get to spend much time with him but even that lil bit of time will do. Anihoes, thanks for wishing me in advance. Muchlove.

Tomorrow is my birthday nd Im turning SexySeventeen! Gheesh. No more SweetSixteen. Hahaa. So yeaaaa, nak present nak present! Hehee.

get that hoe.

2010-12-15T12:35:00.002+08:00

Alright, one full day yesterday I didnt shower. Hahaa. Lazy like what lah kan. Met B[Wong] yesterday at coffeeshop near my house. So yeaa, bring along th two small kiddos.

Alright, so now there's nothing much that I can do.

Seriously, I get irritated over one thing. Okay, Ive got this one friend who just, idontknow? Not happy with me because of who I am with. Firstly, it doesnt bother you who Im getting myself involved with. Youre only thinking about th present nd not about th future. Yes, I may get involve with some things that is v difficult to handle. But I have my own reasons. Maybe for you it doesnt seems to be right. So do I. But you wont know why. You will never know why. As of now, keep your mouth to yourself, keep your eyes on your own man. It's okay if you don't need me cause I don't need you though. Youve been wanting to point out my mistakes, but what about yours? Youre not perfect, neither am I. But stop speaking as thou you made no mistake nd that youre life is perfect. Look, youre not even staying at your own hse. He may not mind, but for how long? It won't last, trust me. But that's okay. It's your own problem. I don't want to interfere. All I know, atleast I dont hv to trouble others. Even if I do, it's my own family. Alright?

Life's sucha bitch. Pple tend to be even more worst than a bitch. Fugly pple.

News update.

2010-12-12T21:24:00.003+08:00

Alright, so finally everything is over between me nd dearest bitch. She made th ferst move to apologise. Yelaa, kalau tunggu aku mintak maaf dulu, sampai tahon depan pun tak. Too ego I should say. Baah~! Anihoes, Lovekaubitch~!

So otf with papa just now. Had a long talk with him. Gosh, our next meet up is way too long. I must wait for that day to come then we can meet. Dalah hari tu lambat. 8.30 konon. Last 9 smpai. Hampeh betoi~! Lucky it was a good reason. If not, siap kau! Hahhaa.

So family will be going out to Malacca at 3 in th morningg. Somewhere around there. They going to visit NekTam.

Yesterday had fun with family at EastCoast there. So yeaa, cycled all th way from one end to th other end. One part, Nisah fell. Sedey bulu. Kesian die. I tompang Iman, so unable to help Nisah. Pity her, her mouth terluka. Sad thg she didnt follow us after that. She rest at th tent.

Okay life's getting tougher now, I'm just afraid news might leak, mouth might spread from one to another. So anything, Ive gotta be prepared. So yeaa, hopefully nothing will be known.

eyessss

2010-12-11T08:55:00.002+08:00

I'm back after tonning, then unable to sleep cause in a while will be going out to East Coast Park to meet cousins nd all. So yea, so this is my chancee to play with th comp. If not, si pelokek ni, susah betol. Skit2 with scl stuffs. Naik binget.

Okay, I just don't get it. Fighting with my own friend, my v v v gd friend, bcos of small stuffs. Idontknow. Different pple different opinion. But I guess there wasnt much of sarcasm. Anihoes, biar la. Asalkan die bahagie. I'm always thr if she still need me thou. Yelaa, takkan pasal bnde mepek gnie tros nak putuskan friendship? Cocky.

Alright, so things hv been fine. Only that, there's only one thg that's not fine. Accepting one with a full package is hard thou. Seriously. So yeaaa, what to do man. Life's like that. I've got to go thru all those cause I'm th one who choose to take this route. But nevertheless, my heart is alr there.

Okay, now I v th ngantok. What to do. Own mistake for not going back home to have enuf rest. Okay, so nothing much to do. So, surf th net for awhile, then bathe nd get ready. Toodles.

surviving.

2010-12-05T02:15:00.002+08:00

It's 2.15am in th morning. Im still on th comp, hv to complete th presentation fo tmr. Wow, me nd EhAh hv soooo much to do. But then, th other two get away scottfree. Not fair, cause we hv to stay late nights nd unable to go to places that we intended to. So yeahhh, hv to endure all th way. My eyes especially. Hate it. Tmr when I get back from camp, Im so gonna sleep. So Im not sure if Monday Im going to school. Hopefully. Tuesday nd Wednesday I hv exams. MAJOR EXAMS. All th best man.

Okay just now went to th place beside Bukit Merah Sec. It was th e2i thg if im not wrong. regarding jobs nd such. Alright, EhAh is currently talking otp with Mol. Settle fast will you? Shit mannn. I guess tmr I wont hv much time to complete thgs. I MUST COMPLETE THIS STUFF MANNNNN!! darn~! stressful.

Tomorrow is my graduation day for this organisation thg. So yeaaaa, hopefully I'm able to upload tmr's pictures yeaaa? Alright, gotta do tha pichas at fb nd also Presentation. Till then, goodnight. Nd oh. Im hungry. Wna grab a chocolate. ^.^

beautiful people

2010-12-03T23:53:00.002+08:00

Hey~! Im currently having th Beautiful People Camp at hangout hotel. It's at somewhere around Waterloo Street. Find me here anyone. Hahaa. I'm here till Sunday. So yeahh. Had a great time just now. But was a bit tiring cause have to do stuffs for th younger nd new badge of MBL. But so far everything is fine. So yeah, getting ready to go out soon. Nak go merayap. Hahaaa. Okay, my stomach hurts. Ivee been eating ALOT. Seriously Im not kidding or joking. It's just that, idontknow. I hate doing business at other places other than home. Hahaa. Lol.

Okay, I have to go to th toilet now nd then off to Baby's room. Wna give my Baby somethg.

137am. just get back to th hotel. went to level two to hang out nd then play comp. alright, let's call it a day. must sleep nd wakeup earlyy. darn~!

hurt

2010-12-01T11:47:00.002+08:00

I received a text from a friend, telling me things. Alright. I guess I need time nd space.

I saw th pair of eyes rolling behind my back. I saw th stucked up faces. I saw th reactions. I saw th attitude. I saw almost, almost, everything. But I knew nothing.

Okay, things were fine but then endup there are some thgs that didnt work out well. Alright, whatever it is. Logging out soon. Byebye~!

superrbb

2010-11-28T14:17:00.002+08:00

Alright, currently EhAh is at my hse. Alright, playing Boyaa Texas Poker at Friendster. Then playing Lady popular. Fuuh.

Okay, so currently Im like slacking at homee doing nothing much. Yeahh. Yesterday went out with my SuperGirls like finally. But Amy is not there. Okay, so we went to CashStudio. It was a suprise for Fee as she was with Eqa nd Murnie, then end up we went to town. So I saw this one guy, who looked so like aku kenal gitu. Endup it was Amir, Fie peyh kawan. Okay so after that went to Toapayoh to meet scandal gue. Haha.

Currently chatting with Aaron XiiaoXiiao. So jyeahh, best pe pat firestation ada lappy. Hahaha. Okay so plan nak go meet small nd scandal. but i very th malas. Hhaa.

Hot news. My small is attached to my ex. Hahha. Hopefully dorang last long nd hopefully Ahtoy wont do th same thg to her like how he do to me. Nd scandal told me that Ahtoy talked to him after I left. He told scandal that if scandal wants to bring me far, then take care of me like how he took care of me. Haha. Funny huh. I was like wtf!? Like how he took care of me? Kalau betul takpa. Nie tidak. Aku yang kene tanggong dia. Hiish. Sudah lahh. Malas nak talk about pple's matae. Later org lain pk ape.

Okay so yeaaaa, Small wanted to meet me. But Im super lazy to go out. Nd ohh, EhAh went out alr. She meet Mol, sape lagy. Alright, so I think I wanna eat nd bathe. It's 4.30pm nd I havent bathe. Hahah! Lazy or what man.

tontonton

2010-11-27T10:21:00.002+08:00

Alright, back from tonning. So yeah. It was a fun night I should call it. With Bitch trying to talk so much thn she realised that she's talking wayy too muchh. Nasib kau sedar bitch.

Ohhyar, did I tell you pple that Im SINGLE!? Yesyes. Sungguh happy! Th best day of my life. Wheeee~! Nd just now checked Aroy's fb. My instinct is always right. He took a picture with this girl, Lynn. Like, hellyeah we fought over this girl before. So what makes it so clear was that he was wearing my necklace nd he simply took a picture nd upload at fb. Hahaa. Lucky we're over. Hahaa, kononkonon dulu nak ngamuk pasal aku touch on this Lynn. Ahhh! Nasib nasib.

Okay, today going out with my SuperGirls. After years that we've been separated. ArgH~! Okay, so jyeaaaa, wna do stuffs then shower then meet my darlaaa at np. then planning here nd there. Okay so byebye sume.

Nd oh, scandal I sudahh jatuh hati kat I. Kekeke.

Ridingggg

2010-11-23T12:08:00.003+08:00

No one is in scl. Am I like th only one!? Urghhh~ Alright, so I finished up m y presentation. Pheww~! Glad that one's down. What's next? Urhh, I just dont know. Yesterday I received news that there's S&W written test. Nd guess who told me? Linee. What time? 11plus. When there's like no other way for me to reach scl to take th test. No one told me. Not even Linee. Until she called Ika. So both of us was like binget sendiri. Yelah, these kind of important things th rest could have told us what. Like, even if we dont usually go to scl, but hey, you're our friend, rmbr? Ahh, takpela. Daa tejadi pun. There's nothing much that I can say.

So yesterday I went for only one class then headed home. No work for me yesterday, but Im working today. Like, woahhh. I slept all th way man. I think I slept for like, 20hours? Around there. But Im still sleepyy. I feel like sleeping all th way until I cant sleep any longer. Mengantok. This 20 hours repays back my 2 days nd so of not having enough sleep. Sedey bulu. Hahaa. So today working, today nak meet bf tak? Hmm still wondering, I dont know. Maybe not. I think I should not. let's give more time for us to settle down. Lame tak jumpe pun boleh jadi gaduh. So malas nak gaduh2, might as well I duduk rumah, tenangkan fikiran dari I pecah otak pikeykan pasal bf.

I need time to think cause Ivee been wanting to let go. Entah lah, I cant havee long rshp nd somemore Ive told him before that i want him to provee to me that he's not th same like th other guys. Turns out that he's th same, nothing is different. Nd worst, Im th one who is like having to prove to him that Im not like th other girls. What now? He promised me this, but all he does was that. Lazy to be in a relationship. Ive always known that single is always better than being in a relationship cause you can flirt all you want without worrying if there is any party who is gna get jealous or angry with you. Like, what do they expect? Youre single. But this, is a totally different story. Im having a bf nd we're on a rocky situation. tried talking nicely but I cant see it working. Maybe there's no other choice left. Idontknow?

So yesterday night had fun with Secret&th rest. Haramharamharam! Hahaha. But gerek lahh, perut kecut pat anjing biru mendatang. Ada video, so tunggu sahaje lahh. It's a few minutes only. Tak sampai 2 min agaknye. Then we went to ECP. two days straight I was at ECP. Hahaha. Okay, I opened up th plaster at my leg, super pain. But it's all dried up. It's so ugly. I think I havee to do something about it, cause it's super obvious. So if I wear anything shorter than a normal pair of jeans, anyone nd everyone can see it from th back. So urgh~! Dont even like th sight of it.

Right now, stomach is not feeling well. Arghh~! Diamdiam sahaje lahh. Biken kecoo pat skolaa pulakk. Nanty stengah jalan tak kesampaian macam mane? Susah nanti aku! Okay, Im happy about Si sundal nd si pecaa. Entah macam mane si pecaa boleh tawu tembelang si sundal. But then, all th best lah! I suke tengok hot news macam gini. Yelahh, nak sampai kahwen konon. Mase mataer penyundal tak betul, menyundal. Bukan nampak tak nampak, tapi sayeee yang kenee. Baah!

Okay, I rindu Dearest Ex. But die dah move on. I maseh belum. Walaupun I ada mataer, tetap hati I pat die. Apa boleh buat? Cinte tak boleh dipakse.

th eye

2010-11-22T13:21:00.002+08:00

At scl, have stuffs to do but I cant seem to be much concentrate. reason being? not enuf rest i mean, sleep cause overnight outside for th past two days. yes, seriously, imagine my eyes mannn. slept only for like 3 hours? urgh. So yea, will update once Im free. Just wanna share Im too sleepppyyyy. Hahaha.